Obituary: Black Spotted One and Yellow Streaked One

May your soul rest in peace and may you find eternal bliss swimming in the golden straits of heaven, free from all natural predators and furthermore free from pesky humans from beyond the looking glass. May you find abundant food and eat to your heart’s content without having to die from it. You will be forever in our hearts and blog. Your absence will be greatly felt.

Bereaved Anantharamakrishnan family members and guilty friend.

P.S: The above is an obituary (as you would have noticed) for the two fish of the author’s friend that the author killed by feeding them extra food (apparently fishes cannot stand more than their recommended daily dietary intake) in order to make them do something, anything more exciting than just aimless swimming around and bumping into the glass. The author would like to remind complainant that she meant no harm and was just trying to alleviate the heavy boredom that had settled on her while she was waiting for said complainant to get dressed. Besides, the greedy fish should have had better sense than to eat till they’re dead. You’d have thought they’d hesitate to think a little atleast when it’s a matter of life and death. But no! They had to whiz around so excitedly at the food pellets that the author felt compelled to feed them more. Sheesh! Fish!

P.P.S: I am so sorry Mr.Anantharamakrishnan. I didn’t know they’d dieL. I didn’t mean to murder them, I swear. *sniff sniff*

Long Due....But more shall come

I give in. This one’s for the nostalgia. The last one week i’m being bombarded by senti FB statuses and sad smiley msgs from all directions. And I managed (mostly) to remain resolutely cynical. But today got me thinking and i decided to compile a list of the things about college I’d remember the most. I know there are loadsa more incidents that i’ve failed to mention and several more that I’ve forgotten all about (as my friend’s slam books remind me every time) and other embarrassing ones that i’ve conveniently repressed but these I believe will come with me to the end.

My 21^st birthday cum advanced new year cum temporary-farewell-for-anjana-and-maya party:

Due to the public availability of this post and due to peer pressure and due to anjana, maya and niru promising to kill me if i post any finer details regarding this incident, I shall refrain from doing so. But after a very very long time, I felt truly excited. My actual birthday, to say the least, was a mess. Unfortunately stupid CTS decided to hold his campus placements in our college the day after my birthday. As a result, most of my friends were too busy preparing. A well meaning friend actually tried to convince me to stay over at her place to teach me 4 years worth of Information Technology. But I didn’t want to remember my 21^st birthday as the birthday I learnt IT, so.... And so the beat part of my birthday was spent sitting at home, staring at my Fb wall and refreshing it every few seconds. Sure i had a great lunch with my mom and sis at the Adyar Park (courtesy of some vouchers my mom had) and sure I got some totally cool gifts from my friends but anyway.....

So getting back, my actual birthday was a very ok-ish one. But this.....this was what a 21^st bday was supposed to be about. Loadsa firsts. Loadsa comedies trying out the firsts. Loadsa frowning on anjana’s part. Loadsa phone calling on her mom’s part. An ultimate suprise that the idiots actually managed to maintain as a suprise (History with a capital H)-cutting cake in the middle of the road with the Raintree parking attendants looking on weirdly, driving back close to midnight on a Scooty on reserve, praying praying praying it wont stop midway, catcalls in the petrol bunk......*sigh* Total hoot!

Sitting under the tree near the dustbin at stores and discussing ‘Vine of desire’:

Anpu, Rd and I- the feministic trio of our class. Or atleast the more vocal trio of the feminists of our class. And also I would like to believe the better read trio of our class. Throughout these four years, through all the fights we’ve had and through all the silent treatments, despite it and maybe because of it, we’ve always shared books. One book that totally blew us off our feet was Vine of Desire. I remember me closing the book midway ‘coz i got a headache from all the emotions it made me feel. I remember Anpu messaging me to say she was scared of what the book was making her feel. I remember Rd sending me an almost replica of the same message a few days later. Sitting under the tree discussing marriage and love and betrayal and Rd’s expectations in a guy and laughing and laughing over it and walking to close to conduct interviews of all my classmates about what they look for in a guy and then writing a crazy blog about it months later when I come across my interview notes by accident..... Not something I’d forget easy.

Lotsa other conversations would come close. Like the time, the three of us sat together in System Software or some other forgettable class and started talking about whom we would save if a hypothetical anthrax warhead went off in the boys side of the class. Which led to whom we would save if one went off in the girls side of the class. And then in the event that one went off in a Staff meeting. Then came the other department students. Which led to the realization that the people whom we like and whom we considered worth saving in the entire college wouldn’t fill a College Bus. Sad but not reallyJ

April Fools day 2010:

Thanks to my project guide who hardballed me into staying late into the evening for Documentation purposes, i had to return home by ptc all alone. Which led me to play the most successful pranks of my entire life on a few unsuspecting souls. And the ironical part is the prank wasnt even my original idea. It was one I’d fallen for earlier in the evening and decided to try it out on my friends. Man did they fall hook, line and sinker. I thought I’d definitely lose it when Anjana called to confirm but boy am i a great liar! Sometimes I think I went too far, but it wasn’t my fault some people forgot and continue to forget what I’ve mentioned to them loadsa times. And i just had way too much fun. So long suckers!:)

Kathipara-post some Benny Dayal and Krish concert -10.30 in the night -80 kmph-Anjana screaming behind me:

I remember this every time i climb Kathipara. Hopefully I will for the rest of my life.

IPT:

Story in short: I got stuck at an in-plant training at my mom’s office (so guess what, i cant even bunk) with two idiot love birds who were resolutely trying to pretend they were just friends. And i was the proverbial extra limb. Gave an all new meaning to “three is a crowd”. I can still remember Mani throwing I-swear-just-born-babies-would-lose innocent looks when I (like the clueless klutz that I am) tried to tease him. And reading Michael Crichton’s Airframe all alone in a corner while the other two played Chess (Yes brilliant idea you two! Bring a game that can only be played by two when there are exactly three in the group). And waiting all alone in the lobby while the other two would saunter in laughing together (they both came by train, albeit different trains still trains, so they would wait for each other in the station and then come together). Not to mention the friend’s wedding I went to where for the first time in my life I felt like a tag-along. And to top it all, convincing the rest of the suspicious class that they were just friends and that I would KNOW if they werent. To all the friends of couples, I take a bow. And remember the golden rule- If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck....

Canteen:

Nuff said.

Suby:

It was 3^rd year and my friends and I were in Kurukshetra. I was tired but Asmi forced me to participate in K-Idol saying we have to participate in everything and get value for coming all that way. So despite my better notions I gave in and filled out their written test, wrote an essay on why Indian Engineering Education sucks and came out. I remember checking my phone to find 7 new messages and 21 missed calls, i remember thinking that if there were so many people trying to contact me, either a)results are out or b)somethings terribly wrong or c)all of the above. I remember noticing that all the calls were from my school friends and deciding that I’d better get out of there fast. And I remember Maya telling me Suby’s had an accident and that he’s gone and just sitting on the platform outside the Management Hall and just staring at my phone. And Srivi crying and crying and crying on the phone. And me calmly walking out and running into a few more school friends in the canteen who were calmly discussing the accident amidst arguments over what juice to order (looking back now, I guess we were all still in shock but it sounded callous to me then and still does a little now). Ironically I got selected to the next round of K-Idol and the next and had to speak on stage. And all the while I kept thinking Suby’s dead and I didn’t pick his last few calls, Suby’s dead and I ignored him, Suby’s dead and I’m on stage. It took me days before I could drive without saying a prayer first, a week before the shock wore off and I burst out crying in the middle of the class. The night Suby died, I went home and ended a fight that had been going on for months with one of my friends. But I haven’t changed. If i meet another Suby in my life I’d still ignore his last few calls and I’d still beat myself up over it when its too late.

568 C rules 4eva!:

Must also include 570 C and 119. Some of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life were here. I guess half the revenue the 2 AC buses earned must have come out Arthy’s, Deepi’s and my pockets. Endless gossip sessions in the last row, yakking yakking yakking for hours, trying to get into Arthy’s head that she’d be better off without a few people in her life, trying not to stare too obviously at the couples coochi-cooing in the seat next to us, making up far-fetched plans and dropping them....

Also, another conversation I’d never forget was with Rd on a bus from Tambaram, discussing each others’ families, dissecting each others’ homes. It was the first time I’ve spoken to anyone about my family. I don’t think I’d forget that conversation for a long time to come.

GRE:

An exam I had super fun at and which totally skyrocketed me to celebrity status. An entire sem I spent advising long-forgotten friends and fielding questions from sons of colleagues of aunts about how to tackle the GRE (like I knew Shit! Again...so long suckers). I guess more people called me to ask about GRE than all the people on all my birthdays combined. And after GRE came TOEFL. For a few months of my life, I was so sure my life was made. And then I started applying and it was back to the dumpsJ Oh well! I had my sun-timeJ

3^rd Year tour:

Dancing. Mock Interviews. A photo session at the top of a hill looking all sweaty and tired but looking like we’d just planted the Indian flag on Kiilman-fucking-jaro. Antakshari. Tug-of-war. Cheerleading for tug-of-war. The few (of course) fights and arguments. Perfect!

Farewell:

Loved it. Almost every bit of it. Just for the memories. The dancing and the photos and the (wierd) hairstyles and the ac breaking down and all the senti crying and the ride back in the car full of righteous anger and heaven’s wrath and all the comedies that followed the next few days restoring peace. Let me just say....Great entertainment. You made my last week at SSN Entertaining and Eventful with a capital E.

Lazy afternoons in the 'Secret Room':

Secret no more, I must say I was the one who discovered it. Aah...the number of movies we have spent watching there, the number of times we escaped to its relative privacy, the number of plans made, the time we ‘saved’ a newly-hatched sparrow and guided it in the path to freedom only to watch it get eaten up by a crow just when we were congratulating ourselves. Somethings are better not messed with.

Instincts:

The best for the last. For a long time, college was a place i tolerated between Instincts. It was a phenomenon. From the first to the last. All the memories: sneaking peanuts meant for the chief guests we were supposed to serve as part of our Hospitality volunteering work, endless sponsor hunting, sitting at Maddy’s feet like a sycophantic puppy (I swear i went into the light right then and there), learning to play Counter Strike from the pros in the days leading up to @nd year Instincts (Arathi and I kept dying within seconds until some poor guy who loved the game too much to watch us play it so horribly, took pity on us and showed us how to move forward and how to actually use our guns. We managed to survive for a whole 2 minutes after that :D), the 5 course lunches (biriyani all 5 courses. Advantages of being the youngest girls around and having doting seniors), the midnight kalaais and osi pepsis for which I still get ragged to death, showing my school friends what a cool college I had (walking with Hema, Sugi and Ramya acrossthe ground and being so sure that we’d be friends forever, jumping from chair to chair with Deepak trying to catch a glimpse of the dancers on stage during choreo night, arguing about the merits and demerits of Ragging with Dash while walking from one venue to the next). I met some of my best friends through Instincts and it is something I will forever be grateful for.

And so it all comes to an end. The fun. The laughter. The fights. The praying fervently after every semester. Hell, I’ll even miss Anna University (where else in the world can you get a degree with just black pen, blue pen and double underlining?? J). And God forbid I even miss my project guide. To all the memories I’ve forgotten and the people I’ve missed out, watch out for part 2!

Reasons why life really sucks sometimes...part 2

You never get what you wanted to get or you get what you wanted but didn’t realize that was what you wanted or you get what you wanted and realized you wanted but didn’t think that it would be what it is when you actually got it. Or you get what you wanted at a time and place you didn’t want it. Or you get what you wanted along with what you didn’t want and wish getting what you wanted didn’t entail getting what you didn’t want. Ultimately getting what you wanted sometimes makes you want to never have wanted it in the first place.

Maybe never getting what you wanted is better than that. Marginally.

How not to try and attract a girl

I shall be upfront. I am a creep magnet. if there is a creep/jerk/asshole within a 100 yards of me, he will be attracted to me. I never get the good guys. It is like the good Lord has purposefully cursed me with this horrible attraction after giving me more than my fair portion of super intelligence, good looks and kind and loving heart (kidding). So I am in a position where I have experienced a lotta dumb ways to try and attract a girl and I draw upon these experiences to outline a few ways which will definitely NOT work.

Exhibit A:

I am riding home in a share auto. Unfortunately for me, I am the only customer. It is the middle of the day in Chennai and I am already dead tired or I'd have caught a bus. SAD (Share Auto Driver) decides to engage in friendly conversation. SAD asks me if I am working. I smile (thinking of my proffessional looks) and explain that no, I am a student. Then he asks me where I am studying. I give my usual vague answer especially reserved for distantly-related uncles and aunts in weddings and funerals, "Engineering".

"Where?", he presses.

I give my 'my-mommy-told-me-not-to-talk-to-strangers' look. Wonder whether I shoud lie but then decide that no way is he gonna come all the way to OMR to kidnap me and hold me for ransom, and tell him the truth.

"Which year?" he asks.

"Final"

"Oh!", he exclaims. "What are you planning to do after studying?"

By then sick of making small talk, I take out my mobile phone and start texting, replying to him in monosyllables. Note:This usually dissuades most over-friendly cases who then leave me alone but this socially-challenged SAD obviously didnt get the point.

"What will you do after studying?" he persists.

Not wanting to explain to him the complicated process of 'GRE-tension-TOEFL-tension-applying-tension-waiting for admits-tension-VISA-tension-shopping-MS' (not to mention, all that cannot possibly be fit into a single syllable), I reply "Work".

"When will you get married then?"

This momentarily stuns me enough to lift my head from my texting haze and give him the blank stare I usually give my class girls when this topic comes up (I hate to compare my class girls with sleazy SAD, but circumstances force me). "After working a few years," I say.

"Will you invite me for you wedding?"

"How? I wont even know where you will be," I say, conveniently falling into his trap.

"Ok then. Give me your phone no. You can call me and speak. I can call you and speak. We can be friends."

He then proceeds to convince me that he has only the best intentions in mind and that he never usually asks phone numbers from girls (Yeah right!). Meanwhile, I am giving running updates to my very helpful friend. "He s asking my phone no now," I text.

"4 wat?," comes the reply.

"Yen kalyanathuku invite pannanumaam."

"Avaniye kalyanam panniko;-)" comes the very helpful reply from my very helpful friend. Did I mention that apart from being a creep-magnet, I also attract highly helpful friends?

The SAD's voice cuts into my mental search for a suitable expletive. "So?," he prompts.

I look up to see my stop has almost come. Making more vague non-committal sounds for a few more minutes, I get down as close to my stop as possible, give him his 7 rs, try to communicate 'un dabba auto ku 7 rs ae athikum, yen phone number vera kekutha' through a grimace and walk back home.

Sheesh.....people should stop believing that what they see in tamil movies will happen in real life. As of today, I have been pestered by share auto drivers for my phone number twice. It could be the same guy or could be two entirely different creeps. But more often, the creep in question is someone I know. To be fair, I start out liking the guy. There is something about a bad boy so intense that draws you. You start talking. Then you start texting, only for necessities at first and then exchanging random information. Then he starts calling you 'Darling' and 'Sweetypie' which is when you start finding him nauseatingly irritating. Then he starts calling you out for treats, his and yours, and starts playing with your earring and your hair (best case scenario). And if you are still dumb enough to talk to him, he usually corners you in some dark corner and spouts verbal nonsense. It is always the same. I will refrain from posting further examples of my creep-magnetism due to a lot of my family members having access to this sometimes very public blog.

Guys nowadays are desperate. One word of advice. Play it cool (Oh wait, thats three). Also, get a life! (Again three). If you want a girlfriend, you probably have a better chance of landing one if you dont go around with a flashing billboard stuck to your head. Have some class. Atleast have a pretense of class. Chivalry helps too. Girls have different, often conflicting notions of what they look for in a guy (for proof, read previous blogs) but a little chivalry can go a long way whoever the girl is. And practise personal hygiene. Only in movies do girls fall in love with stinking, sweaty males. So, unless you look like Hrithik Roshan after a workout, take a shower. And get a job. And a bank balance. And an American Express credit card. And a Mercedes SLK. And.....ok I'll stop but you get my drift. So until the fine day when you have done all the above, stop bothering us girls. Go juvenile watching Baywatch and of course there is always the proverbial cold shower.

What I'm not saying

No, I haven't got an admit yet. If I do I will let you know. Along with the rest of the world. In like 5 mins after I get to know. So quit bugging me up until then.

Oh great! You got one? That is so fine. Now please release me, I have to go check my mail one more time.

No, I don't have OCD. It is highly possible that someone might have sent me an admit in the 2 hours since I last checked and I do not want to miss out on that.

Yes, I know people with GRE scores lesser than mine have already got admits. Yes, GRE is not everything, which is what I have been trying to tell you for the last few months.

No, I do not want to be reminded of how much money I have spent applying or all the stuff I could have done with it. And no, I do not want to hear your empty promises about how I am sure to get an admit within next week. So if your conversation is going to include any of the above categories, do me a favor and shut up!

No Mr.Salesman, that gift is for my friend for his birthday. No, you don't have to give me that sly smile. Yes that is for another friend for his birthday. Please I can see the cogs turning in your head. No need to let your imagination go into hyperdrive. Yes, I'd like them gift-wrapped. No please not the pink hearts gift wrapper. Oh, never mind....

Yes, two tickets please. Oh no, not again!

No, I do not want to play the guitar for her. So what if she is a guest? I am not a walking jukebox.

Yes mom, I know you told me so.

Yes, I love Sleepless in Seattle. Yes I love Hitch. But not if I have to watch it for the hundredth time. So please, just please with the romance overload. Why isn't there any head banging, metal screeching, high-on-testosterone movie with lotsa fast cars and cool guns? Please can I just watch Tomb Raider for a change now?

Yes, I still love rom-coms though. And I'd watch Ashton Kutcher anywhere anytime. No, there is no need to look at me like I've grown feet from my head.

No, I dont like the anti-V day messages you have been bombarding me for the last one week. Can you quit the hypocrisy when I know very well that you would be committed if you had the choice. And not to mention sending gushing messages about love and romance to everyone on your friend's list if you were on the other side.

No, I haven't forgotten you. I have just been busy. If you'd wanted to see me you should have come over or called me up for a change instead of going on and on about how I am ignoring you.

No, I did not mean to mess up my own birthday party. If I'd known I would have come.

No, I do not want to change my project.

Yes, I often smile to myself. No, I am not crazy.

Yes, I am sick of planning stuff with this class and watching them all bomb. No, I am not gonna do it again. Yes, that is what I said last time.

Yes, I know you dont know a thing and you know I dont know a thing. SO can we please drop this pretense of a class and watch a movie together instead.

Yes, that was me you heard screaming. Yes, Paranormal Activity scared me. No, it's not lame.

No, I just called to check if your phone was still working. Yes, I want to talk to you idiot.

No, I do not want to hear about your boyfriend troubles. He is a jerk, a class A asshole and a rotten human being. You should be happy to be rid of him.

No, I do not want to hear about all your fans and the troubles you have managing them. Yes, I am getting down here. Yes, its two miles from my stop. Thats Ok, I'd rather walk.

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!

Yes, I liked twilight. Please dont bang your head against the wall on my account.

Yes, he is cute. Yes, he bites. But only when you step on his tail or try to steal his food.

Oh great! Guess what, I dont care.

No, I will not settle down in the US. I will come back. Oh yeah, you dont believe me? Sure, I'll take you on. Easiest 5000 I ever won.

Yes, thats me in the pic. Yes, thats my friend. No, I am not introducing you to her.

Yes dad, I think you are going insane. Must be all those amman serials and Thirumathi Selvam you're watching.

No, I really am bankrupt. No, I am not lying to avoid you. Please, the world does not revolve around you.

No, I am neither Team Macho nor Team Chocolate boy. No, I dont have any idea which type you are.

No, it wasn't me. It was my phone.

If you'd started writing my LOR in all the time you spend farming and baking lasagnas, you would have finished it by now. So dont give me crap about how you dont have time.

No, I haven't seen him yet. Is he really as cute as they say?

Yet another jobless discussion during yet another vetti period

Once upon a time, when Anpu, Rd and I were sitting under the tree (the one near the dustbin) near stores sipping on chocolate milkshake, we started talking about what we look for in a guy. So involved were we in the topic that the discussion continued when we were back in class. And soon, every one of the 15 girls in my class was talking about what she expected from a guy and what qualities make up the ideal boyfriend. For the purpose of brevity and keeping in mind the concentration limit of any normal human being, I choose not to discuss Arthy’s expectations in this post. I will (try to) release that in a series of episodes on popular demand only. (Lol).

The following is an excerpt from our discussion. If I had any doubt that girls are the most confusing half of the species, then it was laid to rest on that fateful day. (Guys are simple. All guys are jerks. But girls…….even us girls cannot understand us girls). I doubt whether even Mr. John Gray (of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus fame) would be able to decode us completely. Also, as I write this I realize that some, if not most, of these wishes will go unfulfilled as they are in direct contradiction of Golden Rule of Life No.4*. Still, it would be fun to turn up 10 years later to see the guys my classmates have ended up with and to determine whether they have any relevance to the List. Also, I wish to remind the readers that I am not trying to draw any conclusions or classify girls. I am simply stating the problem, not suggesting any solutions. Readers are encouraged to interpret this in any way they like as long as it does not involve any physical harm to the author.

Girl No.1

Boy should be individualistic and should not try to change me.

Should have passion for traveling.

Should have a sense of humor and should not be short tempered.

Should read a lot of books.

Should give me a lot of small-small surprises. Otherwise life will be boring.(I swear that is what she said)

Should respect women.

Should consider my feelings and tolerate my faults.

Should be close to his family.

Should have lotsa frenz.

Look-able.

Honest.

Clean and decent manners (I don’t want a cave man).

Shouldn’t be over-romantic, dripping romance at every corner.

Author’s note: Am happy to say that girl no.1 has a boyfriend who exactly matches the above list. I don’t know about the traveling part though. And over-romantic is definitely not a problem though surprise might be. And thankfully said boyfriend has a lot of patience, enough to deal with even girl no.1. Go guy!!! No mention of Vijaykanth here tho:)

Girl No.2

Should be a very helpful person.

Should let me help others.

Should not be jealous and forbid me from speaking to other boys.

Should not see other girls.

Should not scold me.

Should not dominate.

Should be soft and sweet.

Author’s Note: personally *gag*

Girl No.3

Should be well-read, talented and cool.

Tall with proportionate weight.

Should have a big gang of friends.

His decisions should always be correct.

Should make me admire him.

May have had girlfriends previously but no serious love affairs. Kadalai allowed.

Should be a good speaker. (Should have good mazhupifying characteristics).

Should not be a sadist. (‘aduthavungala keduthu vaazhara type a iruka koodathu’ were her words exactly)

Should not be stubborn and believe that what he says is only correct.

May drink but no smoking.

Should be dominating.

Should give me money whenever I ask for it.

Author’s Note: It can be seen from the above list that girl no.3 watches a lot of tamil movies. Another more likely explanation is that girl no.3 speaks with a person in mind, though author would like to remind girl no.3 that person-in-mind cannot be said to have proportionate weight.

Girl No.4

Should be like me.

Should not drink or smoke because that is harmful to his health.

He should not separate me from my family.

Should have learnt atleast to my extent, if not more.

Should earn more than me.

Should have a lot of practical knowledge of the outside world.

Author’s Note: Be warned that girl no.4 is contemplating doing M.Tech so point no.4 is not for the faint of the heart. Point no.3 may be a result of watching too many tamil serials, but of that I should not speakJ

Girl No.5

Learned and knowledgeable. (like SD. She said that, I swear)

Tall.

Confident.

Should take my suggestions before making any decision and should not order or compel me.

No dum and no thanni.

Should not be possessive.

Should make me his 1^st priority.

Should spend time with me.

Should treat me like a friend and my parents as his own.

Author’s note: Of everybody’s list, I found this and girl no.1’s to be most practical. And I am not just saying that because of point no.1J

Girl No.6

Should respect me.

Should be patient because I am definitely not.

Should be broad-minded.

Should be understanding.

Should not be possessive.

Smoking and drinking is ok as long as it is once in a while.

Author’s Note: This is another list I appreciated a lot because of girl no.6’s outlook of life. This is what she said:

“I will not force him to stop smoking and drinking but I will be very happy if he does, as long as he does not keep harping on the fact that he did it for me. I don’t care how he spends his money. It is his money after all. But he should not expect me to spend for him.”

And most importantly, “I will not compel him. If he doesn’t like me, he can leave. He should not do anything for me just for the sake of doing.”

*sigh* if only more people were as practical.

Girl No.7

Should not be a greek God. A look-able guy is enough.

Should be health-conscious.

Business-minded.

Lover of knowledge even if he hasn’t learnt a lot.

Should be madly in love with me but should not express it.

Should argue a lot with me.

Should be possessive.

Should not be too close with family. It should be just me and him.

He may have other girl friends but I should be no.1 in his list of priorities.

Drinking and smoking is fine as long as he is not addicted to it.

Should not be meticulous.

Author’s Note: This was the most entertaining list, apart from girl no.3 of course. Looking back, it seems that girl no.7 too has spoken with someone in mind though girl no.7 is currently single.

Girls nos. 8,9,10

Should be possessive.

Should be dominating.

Should keep teasing me.

Should talk a lot.

Should keep arguing with me.

Should have lotsa frenz.

Should not be a workaholic.

Should not be an only child.

Joint family.

Should not be an IT professional.

Should go shopping with me.

Should do stuff for me without my asking.

Should know more about me than I do myself.

Should give me suprises.

Should take me out atleast once a month.

.

.

.

Author’s Note: Girls 8, 9 and 10 had similar tastes and always hang out together and hence I thought I might as well combine their lists. There are several more items in their list but the above are the salient points. Please note that again they too speak with people in mind and may/may not be taken.

This is what the girls came up with as soon as I asked what they expected in a guy. So I’d like to think it was their subconscious speaking and not a revised answer. But, in most of the cases, the girl in question spoke with a person in mind. So I am willing to accept that their real wants might be different from the answers they gave, though this list is definitely enlightening. As you would have realized by now, there is no hard and fast rule to deal with girls and there is no such thing as a generic ideal boyfriend to suit all tastes. To the guys, I say, all the best with your updated knowledge bank. To the girls, I say, I’ll be laughing when I see you on your weddingJ

*Golden Rule of Life No 4. All guys are jerks.

A day in the life of..….IT department

Disclaimer: All the characters and incidents described below are entirely true. Any resemblance to fiction whatsoever is a result of the author’s inadvertent plagiarism and the hyperactive imagination of her sources.

The bus shudders and heaves and disgorges another pile of sleepy and tired students, desperately clutching their headphones, momentarily happy to be out of the racing metal trap, onto the bridge. They traipse sadly off to the white building.

The first few groups of students have already started the daily routine of first stop bathroom-check hair-wash hands-next stop drinking water-exchange communal gossip-check out juniors-sigh-come back to class. This ritual would be repeated several times a day at periodic intervals.

The ladies arrive in droves and mill around the office room, checking out each others’ dresses, commenting on their hair and complimenting each others’ choice of bathroom slippers which they proudly show off.

The gents come as stags, sign and retreat quickly to their rooms to think of novel ways to harass the tea boy.

The ac in the professors’ rooms starts humming.

Final years are herded off to the seminar hall to begin the day’s illusion of education. Hostel boys arrive 10 minutes late and stare abashedly through the window pane. Hostel girls arrive an hour later.

The lecturers in the ground floor are in deep discussion. Is the girl in 3^rd year IT B going out with the tall boy in IT A or the curly-haired senior? They decide to counsel the offending girl on the principles of virtue. Is there any progress in the case of the boy they advised last week? Is he still hanging out with his girlfriend? Not good, they decide.

The lecturers in the first floor are arguing whose mother-in-law is the cruelest of all. A student walks in to enquire about her project. They ask her to come after half an hour.

A scream, not unlike the wail of a banshee, can be heard from the lab. The banshee in question is screeching at a hapless student “Enna dash ku da nee college ku vara? Chollu pa chollu….”

A sudden commotion can be heard from the centre of the department. A few students have been caught copying. The lecturers congregate. All of them have a take on what punishment should be given. All of them have a piece of advice to give. They all call the Innocent Girl aside to advice her on propriety. One watching assistant professor alone remains silent. “She alone has some sense in this crowd. No wonder she is AP”, Innocent Girl thinks. Later that AP would declare in the middle of an astonished (and sadistically happy) class, “You should not change your attitude for anyone. Including your husband,” all the while staring down Innocent Girl.

“Give me all your mobile phones. Come with your parents”, the lecturer who caught the students says.

“Ma’am please ma’am. Last time ma’am. I wont repeat this again ma’am”, one student begs.

“No need parents ma’am. Veetla prechanai aagum ma’am. Dad will kill me ma’am”, another student laments.

“Ma’am it wasn’t my fault ma’am”, another student protests.

“Ma’am mobile phone mattum thiripi kuduthidinga ma’am”, says another. True ITian.

A dark shadow slinks along the ground. It pauses in front of the lab. A few bags are opened and ransacked. The shadow sneaks away with its treasure of calculators, mobile phones and purses carelessly left behind.

Juniors run around with laptops looking very important. They stop suddenly, check the signal strength in their laptops, sigh contently and open facebook to check the status of their farms.

The department empties as a quarter of its population trickle out in the direction of the gate just in time to catch 119.

A few couples head off to the canteen. They stop suddenly on seeing the HOD. He gives a vacant smile, locks his room and meets his wife at the entrance and together they proceed, hand in hand, to the canteen.

A phone in the office room rings twice. R. anna cuts the call, silently walks out and opens the door of the Assistant Professor’s room he had previously latched. The AP smiles at him, his mid day 10-min power yoga session completed without any disturbance from pesky over-enthu students.

A lone junior girl walks into a class of curiously staring seniors to draw a flowchart.

Students mill around the lab attendant in the ac lab.

“Sir Sir please Sir!”

“Illa pa chance ae illa”

“Sir please”

“Seri solunga”

“Sir, copy onepassassembler.c from account 34 to accounts 26-33 and 35-45”

“Seri ma’am varuthuku munaadi area va gaali pannunga”

Assistant Professor in first floor is teaching a class of bored looking 3^rd years. Suddenly he launches forth into a profusion of practical advice. “Life in IT field is tough”, he nods knowingly, “You work your asses off for years and all of a sudden a 20 year old girl gets promoted over you and you have to bow down to her.” The class snickers. “None of you will ever get placed”, he yells. “I have told your seniors and I am telling you. The market is on a deathly downward spiral. You have no future. You will work as a waiter.” He stomps away. A few final years approach him with chocolates. “Sir we are placed in CTS”, they proclaim. “It must be luck”, he grabs the chocolates and walks away.

Mrs.P enters a class and promptly steps on a large blob of cake. She looks at the mess on the floor.

“Yenna pa ithu”

“Ma’am A ku poranthanaal”

“Clean pannunga pa”

“Ma’am A ku poranthanaal”

“Seri we’ll start with Random variables”

“Ma’am A ku poranthanaal”

“Athuku enna pa panna solreenga. Write down….”

The students chant, “A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A nee azhaga poranthitiye!”

“Silence”

“A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A nee azhaga poranthitiye!”

“HOD kitta complain pannuven”

“A unakku poranthanaal!”

“I wont give attendance”

“A unakku poranthanaal!”

“I’ll send you all out”

“A unakku poranthanaal!”

“No internals”

“A nee azhaga poranthitiye!”

Mrs.P walks out sobbing.

A bored student is staring outside the window in the corner lab, pondering the meaning of life. There is a sudden exclamation of joy from behind. He takes this as a sign, walks over to roll no 23 and comes back to his workstation with a fully loaded pen drive. His friends look at him in sleepy awe. “Vaangtiya machan? Mail anupidu.”

Students come out in clusters. Some break off in the direction of the canteen. Some of them walk to the stores. One heads off to the department of Biomedical Engineering.

The lawn is lush and crowded. One group of 5 girls and 1 lone boy are discussing the day’s lab. Suddenly one of the girls breaks off in mid-conversation and cries out “Puppy! Oh cutie puppy!”

I wander tiredly back to my bus. “Why did I come to college?” I yell at the heavens. “What have I accomplished today with my time? What did I learn? What higher purpose can there be behind making me wake up every morning, bathe in freezing water, run behind the bus, sit through 8 periods of nonsense and go back home just to fall asleep again?” My friends look at me blandly. “Hey look”, my classmate points out a boy in the crowd excitedly, “You and JS are both in black! My! What a match!”

A smile lights up my face.