Playing with Magnetic Poetry

Got Magnetic Poetry's Happiness kit from my University store since they had a Valentines day sale going on. I've wanted it for a year now 'coz it makes me feel all writer-ish. Anyway that was what I came up with after the first half hour of making dirty sentences with different permutations of feel, vibration, glow and warmth. And before somebody else says it, I'll go ahead and say it is inspired by and an homage to e.e.cummings. I came up with it while my roommate was making fried rice on the side. Makes me wonder if e.e.cummings wrote all his poems from magnetic poet. Anyway, its quite fun. I had my doubts but I guess it really is helpful if you are stuck for words. So, this is what my freezer looks like now from the point of view of a crappy Samsung 1.3 megapixel camera mobile.

Do I know you?

I wrote earlier about how I stuck this trackbar (yeah the Live Traffic Feed in the lower right) in my blog to figure out whether my family knows about the existence of this blog or not. After several excited data analyses the first few days after I got the trackbar, I gave up trying to imagine who could be reading my blog. Now, every time I open my page, I scroll over to see if anyone other than myself has visited it and try mapping it to people I know. I am fanciful that way. I try to imagine the lives of people who read my blog and whether I ever pass them on the street without knowing it.

That brings me to my question. Who are you, oh person from Richmond, Virginia? Do you live in Columbus, Ohio? Why is the DoD your Internet Service Provider? Do you work for the DoD? Do you VPN in to my blog? Do you like it? My blog I mean, not the DoD. Do I know you?

Who are you, reader from Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Who are you?

On prejudices

A few months back I wrote about prejudices, about how I was falling prey to the convenience of them- the convenience of fitting people into different categories that predict expected behavior so you would know how to behave around them. The problem with prejudices is the problem with any classification algorithm. You are trying to fit an infinite range of people into a finite set of classes. And even the strongest classification algorithm supported by the strongest of data has its flaws. And there will be outliers.

I have never been exposed to people from other parts of India much. Tamil Nadu has always been stereotyped as an extremely self-sufficient or in less flattering terms 'not a very convenient place to stay in if you are an outsider and don't know the language'. So we don't have as many out-of-state people per unit area in Chennai as, say. Bangalore. Thus I grew up conveniently ignorant of how the rest of India behaves and had no need to learn the prejudices and stereotypes that try to describe an entire group of people in a few words. Now that I am outside my little cocoon and meet new people from across India all the time (what better place to meet Indians than the US) I have given in to this deplorable habit of learning about stereotypes and trying to fit people to them. And as I do that, I also come into contact with stereotypes about Tamilians. Like any self-obsessed blogger, I love hearing what people think of me and how they perceive us as a people. And a lot of it is news to me. As a disclaimer I must state that my family is not the stereotypical Tamil family and a lot of that is due to my mom who is not the stereotypical Tamil mo. So the reason I cannot make any sense of Tamil stereotypes is not maybe because the stereotype is false but that I am an outlier. That being said, I feel a lot of the people I know would be outliers.

Myth #1: Our ability to speak Hindi and English
A lot of my friends can speak impeccable Hindi though I personally suck at it. But most of us are pretty good at English. Most shop keepers and auto drivers can understand English and the ones that do love showing off. So have no fear. But I speak for Chennai more so than any other city/town/village. So dont take this as a general rule.

Myth #2: Our food habits
I hate curd/yogurt. I prefer rotis more than rice.

Myth #3: Our language obsession
We are not all fanatical about our language. Speaking for myself, I don't understand a lot of the most beautiful words of Tamil beyond the ones I use in everyday conversations and the only reason I can read and write it haltingly is because my grandmother taught me the letters of the text from gossip magazines about film stars. And that is the case for most of the urban youth. A lot of us are more comfortable with English than Tamil and I agree that that is a sad sad thing.

Myth #4: Our chutney serving sizes are too small
Chutneys come with unlimited refills. Ask and it shall be given.

Now follow the Chennai myths.
Myth #5: Autodrivers rip you off if you don't know Tamil
First things first. There are no fixed auto fares in Chennai. The meter is for show. It hasn't been in popular use since 1998. Everything is negotiable when it comes to auto drivers. The direct implication of that is that you are only as strong as your negotiation skills. If you are an outsider, you are going to get ripped off because you are not going to know the standard fare for going from point A to point B and that is a chink in your bargaining armor. And trust me, our auto drivers are a hardened lot. If they see a weakness, they will swoop in for the kill. The end result? You will be taken for a ride, pun intended. It has nothing to do with the fact that you don't know our language. It is not personal. If you don't want to get ripped off, study up on the rates you have to pay and brush up your bargaining prowess. Else, call a cab. We do have them and share autos and buses for the faint of the heart.

Myth #6: Chennai Tamil is ugly Tamil.
This is a myth that people who grew outside Chennai love to propagate and stress on every time I comment on their Tamil. Chennai Tamil is NOT just slum Tamil. We are NOT just a city of slums. The slummish version is a stereotype that Vivek the Comedian made famous and we didn't mind because he was funny. But we do not all start every conversation with "Ae kasumaalam".

Some generalizations about Tamilians and Chennai are true. We are a coastal city and the climate is typical of that. It is extremely humid. We love Rajinikanth, more so because he is a humble and generous actor, than for any other reason. We are not yet completely conducive a state to outsiders but we are slowly becoming better at understanding what outsiders need and implementing it- English signs on all buses and road corners and most shops is one such step.

All being said and done, stereotypes exist for a reason and do apply for the vast majority and as long as you remember that there will be exceptions and take care to not judge people too fast you should be fine. And personally, I am going to stop subscribing to prejudices and trying to slot people. That can be my new year resolution.

My Australian cousin shot this pic. Due credit therefore must go the typical NRI Praveen Gounder

Someone seems to be on a blogging spree -Life Projects

I think it is all the repressed need to have fun pouring out of me after the crazy week I've had. But I've been having this compulsive need to blog since yesterday and its not like I am doing anything useful anyway, so might as well give in.

Goofy (some) and pointless (most) stuff I've always wanted to do and hope to get around to doing someday.

1. Have a different coffee a day at Starbucks (including the secret not-on-the-menu ones) and write a review blog about them all. Aim: to discover the best coffee there is and get over my single minded obsession with short-Cappuccino-less-foam-whole-milk in the process.
2. Visit every city that has a Saravana Bhavan in the US and order Pongal Vadai and Filter Coffee in it.
3. Brew my own beer. I've been wanting to do this since a friend here actually did it. She still has the necessary equipment. Maybe soon.
4. Go to a strip club. I've been suggesting this as a surprise for every friend's bday party. Somehow always gets shot down.
5. Jump off a cliff. I never really thought I'd do the airplane thing. Always wanted to do the cliff thing like in Rang de Basanti. Maybe next summer.
6. Combine my Flickr page and this blog into a mega me project which will feature my recipes (if I ever cook anymore), my photos and my writing. Update it regularly. Maybe even turn it into a book.
7. Watch the top 100 movies on IMDb
8. Read all of the top 100 books recommended by Times.
9. Print a coffee table book with my pictures of all my travel. Better still, make it a coffee table book of a photo project, like the Red Couch. (I once went around taking pictures of dustbins in Andaman because they were so cute and interesting. Especially in the island of Ross. If you ever have a chance to visit Andaman and go to Ross Island, do notice the dustbins. I am sure some clerk in the Tourism Industry spent hours thinking up each.)
10. I really cant think of any more. Just want to end on an even number.

Sure, I wanna do the serious stuff as well- get back to my music, get back to my dance, buy a better camera, buy a car, buy a house, decorate it, travel the world, get married and sometimes in my idealistic moods, join Engineers without Borders and go to Africa. But for someone with chronic fear of long term plans, this is a good start. Baby steps people!

Grey is the new black

For far too long, people have spoken of the grey area between the black and white with an air of disdain, as though it were a choice for the weak, and the spineless, as though it were the path of least resistence for the ones who could not afford the effort required in order to follow the strict rules and principles necessary for follow a way of life in the white or the black. It is frowned upon, the grey, and its followers likened to all metaphors of disreputable infirmity. But the time has come to speculate upon this bigotry and extend to the grey the respect it deserves and restore it to its rightful place among shades. We shall first observe the various claims against this humble shade and address each one of them to debunk them as myths and pure libel spread to defame the color in question.

Myth 1: Grey is easy. Therefore it must be bad.

In order to fully address this extremely mindless propaganda,  I propose to split the claim into two subclaims and tackle each separately.

Myth 1a: Grey is easy

The most common and constant argument against following a middle ground that is not well defined as opposed to one end which is more clear is that it is easy. Let us get this straight. Finding the middle is NOT easy, as anyone who has shopped for Medium sized T-shirts in a Forever 21 shop during Christmas SALE season would readily attest. The middle line is hazy, it is unclear, it is not as defined as the extremes are and that alone is proof of the fact that it is a very very difficult road to walk and not for the faint of the heart. Rules are easy o follow once some brainless bullshitter make them up. Deciding not to follow them and coming up with your own on the fly as the situation demands is much much more difficult.

If still in doubt about the veracity of this little known truth, ask any employee of the Indian Ministry of External Affairs. These brave warriors of our country’s gates wage a war against the standard and the norm everyday. There are no rules in the noble hallows of the Passport office, just plain and pure greyness and procedures that change everyday depending upon which subtle tint of grey prevails that hour. Let not the extremists undermine the difficulty behind making up procedures randomly. It requires great mathematical skills to permute and combine assorted forms and red tapes of diverse sizes. Thus one day, you will be required to fill a online form, the next day you might be asked to fill out a paper form, the next you might be called to come in again to sign on the back of the paper napkin and so on and so forth. Which is why there never is an average, or a usual . Noone can predict how many epochs would pass before one can obtain an Indian passport. It may be a few days to a couple of decades and everyday brings with it its own suspense and anticipation that adds its bite to our otherwise mundane lives. Thus these extremely creative and statistically supreme guardian soldiers of our country and protectors of the grey slog everyday to save us all from the boredom and the ‘easiness’ of the black or white.

Myth 1b: Easy must be bad

Clearly, haters have never heard of Occam’s razor that claims that the easiest explanation is often the right one or something along those lines. And clearly, this assertion has been solidified by moms of teenage daughters, generation after generation, by reinforcing upon tender adolescent minds that easy girls are Bad with a capital B.

Myth 2: It is better to an extremist rather than a moderate.

Perhaps, believers would like to have a discussion with Mr.Obama on the virtues of being a moderate. No other person alive is a greater embodiment of the middle than this brave politician battling valiantly a sea of extremism in order to find the balance and get everybody to like him, than the current President of the United States. Everyday is a tight rope walk for Mr. President Sir who has been claimed by many to be a “moderate Republican from the 1990s” rather than the star of the Blue camp. But truth is the President just does not believe in camps. He is one for erasing the great divide. He is truly the hero in Mani Ratnam movies, the dove in the peace sign, the irritating girl in high school who always wanted EVERYONE to come her birthday parties and EVERYONE to get her gifts, who truly aims at everyone uniting and coming forth to form a better world where people visit malls everyday and the economy soars and flies high like Ms. Marilyn Monroe’s skirt. Ask him about the merits of walking the grey middle line and perhaps a chat with Dick Cheney on extremism can be a fitting conclusion.

Myth 3: Grey doesn’t look as good as black or white. I have only seen grey on sweat pants.

If Brangelina find grey beautiful, who are we to claim otherwise.

Thus the post hopes that it has laid to rest once and for all the extreme prejudice against this wonderful way of life and convinced people that grey is beautiful. After all is not french the language that makes dirt sound like love. And thus I shall end this perfectly pointless post with a perfectly pointless quote.

On the merits of being a shallow materialista

• Have you ever had one of those days where everything is crappy and messed up but you glance at a mirror as you're walking by and you see that your hair is actually obeying you for a change and looks good (maybe not movie star good but just good good) and your mood perks up all at once and everything is bright and shiny and happy again with the world? 
• Have you ever had a day where the fact that you are wearing your new peep-toe shoes were the only thing that kep you going? 
• Have you ever looked forward to going to work just to show off your new bag? 
• Have you ever experienced the simple feeling of elation that makes you disregard every other problem in the world when someone says the old shirt you dug out of the closet looks good on you? 
• Have you convinced yourself yet that shopping is good for your sanity and that of the people around you and therefore nothing to feel guilty about later?

If you answered yes to 3 or more questions above, you know what I am talking about. If not, you've lost the simple innocence of materialism sometime after pre kg. Dont worry, with hard work and effort you can regain it. Every morning, after you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat the fashion alphabets (A for Armani. B for Burberry, C for Chanel, D for Dior...all the way up till Z for Zegna) thrice. Soon you will be well on your way to achieving Nirvana.

Twenty things to do before you grow up (the feel better list)

This is not a list for responsible people. This is not a bucket list for the ambitious. This is not the typical list you make on your 21st bday/ new year/ after watching motivational movies/ when you enter college/ when you finish college/ after a birth/ after a death/ any important milestone in your life. This is the differently successful (no we'll not say it) list. Because, after all if you are gonna make mistakes (if they are mistakes), it might as well be now. And in the immortal words of Calvin's dad, "It builds character". Again this is not a list for responsible people. This is the loser's (There, said it) list.

1. Break a hand/leg/assorted body part or grossly disfigure yourself a day before an important social event.
2. Lose your wallet/handbag with your house keys, car keys, credit cards and/or passport in it.
3. Break your cellphone and/or drop it in a large body of water.
4. Get dumped. 
5. Have a one night stand with a guy you've never met before and whose last name you dont know.
6. Get trashed. Totally. Strip off your clothes and dance on the table.
7. Grow your own weed. Brew your own beer. Create your poison.
8. Accidentally set fire to your apartment.
9. Get a traffic ticket.
10. Lose your job for facebook-ing from work.
11. Fight with your best friend over a guy who doesnt deserve you.
12. Get an F. Screw up your GPA. Lose your fellowship.
13. Yell at your family. Walk out of home. And come back again.
14. Empty your checkings account in one day of shopping.
15. Stand up or get stood up by your date.
16. Fall for an online scam.
17. Lose a month's salary or more in Vegas.
18. Study all night for a test and then sleep through it.
19. Get suspended for getting into a fight.
20. Write an ugly mail to someone you once loved.

Doubtless there are several more. And doubtless I shall discover them soon and write a blog about them. If I've missed more, leave a comment and the list can continue over there.

Hide yo wives, hide yo kids!

Foreword: This is actually a post I've been meaning to write for quite some time. But every time my writing mood disappears by the time I actually get down to it. I no longer even remember how this pet project started but I think it’s about time this collective genius saw the light of the day.

From the beginning of time, women have always been dealt the shorter end of the stick (or the smaller piece of the apple pie, if you want a cliché that is more relevant to our time). Thanks to Eve's original sin (oh yeah, thanks a lot bitch), we are the ones who, not only have to suffer through PMS and labor and menopause and glass ceilings at workplaces and being felt up on buses and…. well a load of shit to be concise, but also have to wade through tons of creepy friend requests on social networking sites from random social cretins. On the brighter side, most of these requests are shit funny, so I thought why not share the fun with the lesser endowed sex (yeah see how generous we are). So here are some of the requests my friends and I have got in the last couple of months. I swear on the holy ground of my forefathers these are the original requests and I have done no editing except to bleep out the names of the people involved. So all errors in grammar and spelling and any inadvertent hilarity are entirely to be credited to the requester.

Category A: The bait

This is the most common category. These requests are fairly short, just grub to see if the fish bites. So you might find that they are not more than a few lines, often lacking in originality and creativity. This is the category that the usual "hey there sexy" and "you look hot. Wanna be frenz?" belong to. This also includes all the corny one liners, the stale pickup lines, witty (you wish) responses to status messages and also compliments and questions baiting the requestee. Some actual examples are:

hi gorgeous:) every1 out there is just an unknown friend:)wat say:)n lookin cute n sparkling :)

your taste n attitude sounds good

u r very terror person i think so by the by am **** 98******** ******@gmail

Are you dead or alive? "Why" Because my religion says only the dead can be angels.

Are you in egmore?

Category B: The miff

This is a more advanced form of baiting. This involves the requester vaguely insulting or snubbing the requestee so that she may get goaded into an argument/conversation with the requester. Due credit must be given to Tamil cinemas, especially sucky Vijay movies, for making this approach popular. A few examples

hi ****** really u r so cute friend,am not telling lie,but u r not overcute,just i like u thats it, i wish to join ur friendship,can u accept me friend......

Author's note: In this not only was the requestee not 'overcute' but also her name was spelt so wrong as to make it a completely different name. I don’t know if that was on purpose or not.

Nice that u have written in about me section. Is it copied from some where or yours

Category C: The direct request

This is the one that does not fool around and comes directly to the point. The only good thing that can be said about this category of requests is that it takes so much lesser time to delete.

looksvery very cute may i kn ow ur cell no

hi ***** ur name is very sexy u can call me for fun

Hi I think I want to have sex with you

Author’s note: yeah been there got that!

Category D: The frills

This is the opposite of Category C. These are the requests that sound like your average Anna University answer paper and write a story for a single line.

I jus happened to see ur profile, when i was looking into one of ma fav communities.I read ur testimonials, it's very nice n i liked ur profile too, Its really kooool. Also i found some things in common b/w u and me. So i thought lemme ping you. If u r interested in taking me as ur friend then pleaz do scrap me.

Hiiiiiiii ***,

This is **** a BE from chennai looking for some gud friendships. Im jus hunting for a buddy hoo can b true 2 me, to whom i can share my thoughts freely and b there for me at all times.

Well i read ur profile, it's really nice N kooool. so i thought of buzzing you. Am really sorry if u feel that i had peeked into ur profile unnecessarily. Jus in case if u r interested and wish to take me as ur friend, then pleaz do scrap me.

Looking forward for ur great friendship. bye. take care. Chiooooooooooo sooooon....

hey **** u look same as like ma friend...i got very much shocked u know

heya ****.. i really dunno how far ma start up text is gonna capture urs...!! but i jst feel like u r some1 very much familiar to me ..like some1 i come across walking frequently....like ma cousin or ma neighbor....neither ways... i tot it would be gr8 to keep in cont with a person i ever feel so... hope u appreciate accepting ma invi special among millions of others ...lol.... if its the fortune lets get to know betta .. though i know u won be much interested in befriending a complete stranger like me.... even if i was in ur place would be thinking so... bt i really feel its worth a chance with me ... hope u appreciate it.;]

Category E: The professions of undying love

Ah! This is the category that’s the most fun! The ones that wax eloquent about your beauty and the romance that has bloomed in the heart of the requester, the ones that would make any self respecting chick flick watcher weep happy tears at the joy and wonder of true love.

If u dont mind we can married

I lov u chellam

i like you chellam

u r so beautifulllllllllllllll..............i wans to b frnd wid u forever

Author's note: All the above and a lot more were from the same guy

Hi ***** ...This is *** here .Sorry to disturb you i have sent couple of offline msges to you,i am not sure you have seen that or not.This mail is not to intimidate you or i am not flirting around here.I know i am totally a stranger to you and I got nothing to do with you and I don't know why i am acting so stupid to message to an unknown gal seriously like this.Some spark or something that urge me talk to you.Should have been seen you in my college i would have flattered that moment.Unfortunately I have passed out of college when u started your engineering.I would have definitely talked with you if i would been in India by this time,Its not like flirting kind of stuffs but more-like "Entha mathri oru ponnu kita atleast friendavathu irukanum or atleast one word pesanum" that kind of feel ok.May be I like to know more about you,if you think me as stranger or unknown person then whoever your friends now, are stranger to you until you talk a first word with them right ??So if you wish you can talk with me or If you think me as disturbance jst ignore this mail or send an word your not interested to talk ok.I have sent orkut request as well, hopefully i think u would have blocked me yahoo i guess and ignored my friends request on orkut as well but whats there in talking **** ....is that gonna harm you anyway ..nee irukura athai college than my sister also studying appo than i jst came by to your college and saw you.Typical gal tendency that your not responding to unknown person but i like that too but there are good ppl as well.

Author's note: That’s my personal favorite. This was one of a series of mails my friend got (presumably from a guy who studied at her college and saw her during some cultural fest and immediately fell in love and somehow managed to trace her. Unfortunately this was the only mail she had retained. I just wish she'd saved the rest too. Major potential lost.

hi ****, i saw ur photos,i admired photos, i like ur friend right side 3girls,blue jean,without glass,she is very cute,i like very much,can u intro that girl pls ****,she look like my dream girl.....

Author's note: This is a different approach I know.

This is what we go through. Every single day. Trust me, my finger is sore from all the deleting and ignoring and 'not now'ing that I do. My orkut scrap book is like a graveyard of random requests now. And so is the case with most other ppl I know. Unfortunately very few people I know still had the requests undeleted to send to me to add to this database. If any of you girls reading this, have any that are seriously funny, can you please mail them to me?

I actually considered putting a disclaimer at the beginning of this post and saying this post was not meant to hurt anyone's feelings but frankly, I don’t care. If your request was on the above list, thanks for the entertainment. We all really enjoyed it!

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How to write a romance novel

The following is a summary of any given Mills & Boon or Silhouette novel.

Note to Readers: Please do not be misled into thinking that this makes me an authority on Mills & Boon or that I am a big fan of their romances. My encounters with M&B were entirely for educational purposes only, as to the uninitiated teenage girl, they often serve as a huge repository of information on....er positions and a few other logistics and technicalities. In fact, I remember having clandestine group M&B reading sessions when I was in my 8^th std but I digress. So for any doubts and references, please contact Rd;)

Rich (possibly heir of a few millions), hot, handsome, tall, playboy hero meets poor (a little), beautiful, gutsy but naive heroine who probably has lost her entire family to a car crash and has to live with evil step-mom/miserly aunt/ kind grandma. They have a flashy first meeting, exchange a few barbs and discover they like exchanging barbs. Heroine thinks hero is conceited. Hero thinks heroine has pluck and is instantaneously attracted to her and her innocence. They argue and they argue and in the midst of it, discover they like each others’ company. Hero seduces heroine but convinces himself he is not in love with heroine. Heroine puts up a brave (though flimsy) front but ultimately gives in to her (latent) feelings and hero’s seductions. But when confronted with the reality of the power of their love, both lose their nerve. Heroine does not want to be the first to announce that she is in love because she thinks the hero is only stringing her along and has no feelings for her. Hero does not want to be the first to tell his love because he is macho and then the story would end early and the author would not get a chance to display the actual sweet, sensitive, mushy core of the tough hero in the final climax. Enter evil, rich, sexy (as opposed to sweet heroine) girlfriend (ex) of the hero. Girlfriend becomes jealous of heroine, realizes she is losing her throne to a Cinderella and decides to do away with her. Girlfriend meets heroine in private and tells her how hero is just using heroine for sex and how his status will be affected if he is seen along with heroine. Heroine convinces herself that her sacrifice is for the good of her love and leaves country. And oh yeah, she manages to stand up to her evil step-mom/ miserly aunt too and finally take control of her life. After heroine runs away, hero realizes how truly he is in love with her but believing the story told by jealous girlfriend, thinks heroine never really loved him and decides to let her go. But after a suitable moping period (usually 3 months), the kind butler reveals to the hero that all is not as it seems. Hero, after kicking jealous girlfriend and her social climbing mother out of the house, uses his vast resources to track down the heroine. They meet and after a touching reunion where both of them confess their love for each other, share true love’s kiss and live happily ever after.

Insert a few matter scenes here and there and a few corny dialogs like “You are my world now”, “My love, my life!” and you are set to write your own romance novel. Whats more, you might even manage to canoodle a few jobless gooses like Rd into buying your books. Happy writing! :)

Obituary: Black Spotted One and Yellow Streaked One

May your soul rest in peace and may you find eternal bliss swimming in the golden straits of heaven, free from all natural predators and furthermore free from pesky humans from beyond the looking glass. May you find abundant food and eat to your heart’s content without having to die from it. You will be forever in our hearts and blog. Your absence will be greatly felt.

Bereaved Anantharamakrishnan family members and guilty friend.

P.S: The above is an obituary (as you would have noticed) for the two fish of the author’s friend that the author killed by feeding them extra food (apparently fishes cannot stand more than their recommended daily dietary intake) in order to make them do something, anything more exciting than just aimless swimming around and bumping into the glass. The author would like to remind complainant that she meant no harm and was just trying to alleviate the heavy boredom that had settled on her while she was waiting for said complainant to get dressed. Besides, the greedy fish should have had better sense than to eat till they’re dead. You’d have thought they’d hesitate to think a little atleast when it’s a matter of life and death. But no! They had to whiz around so excitedly at the food pellets that the author felt compelled to feed them more. Sheesh! Fish!

P.P.S: I am so sorry Mr.Anantharamakrishnan. I didn’t know they’d dieL. I didn’t mean to murder them, I swear. *sniff sniff*

How not to try and attract a girl

I shall be upfront. I am a creep magnet. if there is a creep/jerk/asshole within a 100 yards of me, he will be attracted to me. I never get the good guys. It is like the good Lord has purposefully cursed me with this horrible attraction after giving me more than my fair portion of super intelligence, good looks and kind and loving heart (kidding). So I am in a position where I have experienced a lotta dumb ways to try and attract a girl and I draw upon these experiences to outline a few ways which will definitely NOT work.

Exhibit A:

I am riding home in a share auto. Unfortunately for me, I am the only customer. It is the middle of the day in Chennai and I am already dead tired or I'd have caught a bus. SAD (Share Auto Driver) decides to engage in friendly conversation. SAD asks me if I am working. I smile (thinking of my proffessional looks) and explain that no, I am a student. Then he asks me where I am studying. I give my usual vague answer especially reserved for distantly-related uncles and aunts in weddings and funerals, "Engineering".

"Where?", he presses.

I give my 'my-mommy-told-me-not-to-talk-to-strangers' look. Wonder whether I shoud lie but then decide that no way is he gonna come all the way to OMR to kidnap me and hold me for ransom, and tell him the truth.

"Which year?" he asks.

"Final"

"Oh!", he exclaims. "What are you planning to do after studying?"

By then sick of making small talk, I take out my mobile phone and start texting, replying to him in monosyllables. Note:This usually dissuades most over-friendly cases who then leave me alone but this socially-challenged SAD obviously didnt get the point.

"What will you do after studying?" he persists.

Not wanting to explain to him the complicated process of 'GRE-tension-TOEFL-tension-applying-tension-waiting for admits-tension-VISA-tension-shopping-MS' (not to mention, all that cannot possibly be fit into a single syllable), I reply "Work".

"When will you get married then?"

This momentarily stuns me enough to lift my head from my texting haze and give him the blank stare I usually give my class girls when this topic comes up (I hate to compare my class girls with sleazy SAD, but circumstances force me). "After working a few years," I say.

"Will you invite me for you wedding?"

"How? I wont even know where you will be," I say, conveniently falling into his trap.

"Ok then. Give me your phone no. You can call me and speak. I can call you and speak. We can be friends."

He then proceeds to convince me that he has only the best intentions in mind and that he never usually asks phone numbers from girls (Yeah right!). Meanwhile, I am giving running updates to my very helpful friend. "He s asking my phone no now," I text.

"4 wat?," comes the reply.

"Yen kalyanathuku invite pannanumaam."

"Avaniye kalyanam panniko;-)" comes the very helpful reply from my very helpful friend. Did I mention that apart from being a creep-magnet, I also attract highly helpful friends?

The SAD's voice cuts into my mental search for a suitable expletive. "So?," he prompts.

I look up to see my stop has almost come. Making more vague non-committal sounds for a few more minutes, I get down as close to my stop as possible, give him his 7 rs, try to communicate 'un dabba auto ku 7 rs ae athikum, yen phone number vera kekutha' through a grimace and walk back home.

Sheesh.....people should stop believing that what they see in tamil movies will happen in real life. As of today, I have been pestered by share auto drivers for my phone number twice. It could be the same guy or could be two entirely different creeps. But more often, the creep in question is someone I know. To be fair, I start out liking the guy. There is something about a bad boy so intense that draws you. You start talking. Then you start texting, only for necessities at first and then exchanging random information. Then he starts calling you 'Darling' and 'Sweetypie' which is when you start finding him nauseatingly irritating. Then he starts calling you out for treats, his and yours, and starts playing with your earring and your hair (best case scenario). And if you are still dumb enough to talk to him, he usually corners you in some dark corner and spouts verbal nonsense. It is always the same. I will refrain from posting further examples of my creep-magnetism due to a lot of my family members having access to this sometimes very public blog.

Guys nowadays are desperate. One word of advice. Play it cool (Oh wait, thats three). Also, get a life! (Again three). If you want a girlfriend, you probably have a better chance of landing one if you dont go around with a flashing billboard stuck to your head. Have some class. Atleast have a pretense of class. Chivalry helps too. Girls have different, often conflicting notions of what they look for in a guy (for proof, read previous blogs) but a little chivalry can go a long way whoever the girl is. And practise personal hygiene. Only in movies do girls fall in love with stinking, sweaty males. So, unless you look like Hrithik Roshan after a workout, take a shower. And get a job. And a bank balance. And an American Express credit card. And a Mercedes SLK. And.....ok I'll stop but you get my drift. So until the fine day when you have done all the above, stop bothering us girls. Go juvenile watching Baywatch and of course there is always the proverbial cold shower.

Yet another jobless discussion during yet another vetti period

Once upon a time, when Anpu, Rd and I were sitting under the tree (the one near the dustbin) near stores sipping on chocolate milkshake, we started talking about what we look for in a guy. So involved were we in the topic that the discussion continued when we were back in class. And soon, every one of the 15 girls in my class was talking about what she expected from a guy and what qualities make up the ideal boyfriend. For the purpose of brevity and keeping in mind the concentration limit of any normal human being, I choose not to discuss Arthy’s expectations in this post. I will (try to) release that in a series of episodes on popular demand only. (Lol).

The following is an excerpt from our discussion. If I had any doubt that girls are the most confusing half of the species, then it was laid to rest on that fateful day. (Guys are simple. All guys are jerks. But girls…….even us girls cannot understand us girls). I doubt whether even Mr. John Gray (of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus fame) would be able to decode us completely. Also, as I write this I realize that some, if not most, of these wishes will go unfulfilled as they are in direct contradiction of Golden Rule of Life No.4*. Still, it would be fun to turn up 10 years later to see the guys my classmates have ended up with and to determine whether they have any relevance to the List. Also, I wish to remind the readers that I am not trying to draw any conclusions or classify girls. I am simply stating the problem, not suggesting any solutions. Readers are encouraged to interpret this in any way they like as long as it does not involve any physical harm to the author.

Girl No.1

Boy should be individualistic and should not try to change me.

Should have passion for traveling.

Should have a sense of humor and should not be short tempered.

Should read a lot of books.

Should give me a lot of small-small surprises. Otherwise life will be boring.(I swear that is what she said)

Should respect women.

Should consider my feelings and tolerate my faults.

Should be close to his family.

Should have lotsa frenz.

Look-able.

Honest.

Clean and decent manners (I don’t want a cave man).

Shouldn’t be over-romantic, dripping romance at every corner.

Author’s note: Am happy to say that girl no.1 has a boyfriend who exactly matches the above list. I don’t know about the traveling part though. And over-romantic is definitely not a problem though surprise might be. And thankfully said boyfriend has a lot of patience, enough to deal with even girl no.1. Go guy!!! No mention of Vijaykanth here tho:)

Girl No.2

Should be a very helpful person.

Should let me help others.

Should not be jealous and forbid me from speaking to other boys.

Should not see other girls.

Should not scold me.

Should not dominate.

Should be soft and sweet.

Author’s Note: personally *gag*

Girl No.3

Should be well-read, talented and cool.

Tall with proportionate weight.

Should have a big gang of friends.

His decisions should always be correct.

Should make me admire him.

May have had girlfriends previously but no serious love affairs. Kadalai allowed.

Should be a good speaker. (Should have good mazhupifying characteristics).

Should not be a sadist. (‘aduthavungala keduthu vaazhara type a iruka koodathu’ were her words exactly)

Should not be stubborn and believe that what he says is only correct.

May drink but no smoking.

Should be dominating.

Should give me money whenever I ask for it.

Author’s Note: It can be seen from the above list that girl no.3 watches a lot of tamil movies. Another more likely explanation is that girl no.3 speaks with a person in mind, though author would like to remind girl no.3 that person-in-mind cannot be said to have proportionate weight.

Girl No.4

Should be like me.

Should not drink or smoke because that is harmful to his health.

He should not separate me from my family.

Should have learnt atleast to my extent, if not more.

Should earn more than me.

Should have a lot of practical knowledge of the outside world.

Author’s Note: Be warned that girl no.4 is contemplating doing M.Tech so point no.4 is not for the faint of the heart. Point no.3 may be a result of watching too many tamil serials, but of that I should not speakJ

Girl No.5

Learned and knowledgeable. (like SD. She said that, I swear)

Tall.

Confident.

Should take my suggestions before making any decision and should not order or compel me.

No dum and no thanni.

Should not be possessive.

Should make me his 1^st priority.

Should spend time with me.

Should treat me like a friend and my parents as his own.

Author’s note: Of everybody’s list, I found this and girl no.1’s to be most practical. And I am not just saying that because of point no.1J

Girl No.6

Should respect me.

Should be patient because I am definitely not.

Should be broad-minded.

Should be understanding.

Should not be possessive.

Smoking and drinking is ok as long as it is once in a while.

Author’s Note: This is another list I appreciated a lot because of girl no.6’s outlook of life. This is what she said:

“I will not force him to stop smoking and drinking but I will be very happy if he does, as long as he does not keep harping on the fact that he did it for me. I don’t care how he spends his money. It is his money after all. But he should not expect me to spend for him.”

And most importantly, “I will not compel him. If he doesn’t like me, he can leave. He should not do anything for me just for the sake of doing.”

*sigh* if only more people were as practical.

Girl No.7

Should not be a greek God. A look-able guy is enough.

Should be health-conscious.

Business-minded.

Lover of knowledge even if he hasn’t learnt a lot.

Should be madly in love with me but should not express it.

Should argue a lot with me.

Should be possessive.

Should not be too close with family. It should be just me and him.

He may have other girl friends but I should be no.1 in his list of priorities.

Drinking and smoking is fine as long as he is not addicted to it.

Should not be meticulous.

Author’s Note: This was the most entertaining list, apart from girl no.3 of course. Looking back, it seems that girl no.7 too has spoken with someone in mind though girl no.7 is currently single.

Girls nos. 8,9,10

Should be possessive.

Should be dominating.

Should keep teasing me.

Should talk a lot.

Should keep arguing with me.

Should have lotsa frenz.

Should not be a workaholic.

Should not be an only child.

Joint family.

Should not be an IT professional.

Should go shopping with me.

Should do stuff for me without my asking.

Should know more about me than I do myself.

Should give me suprises.

Should take me out atleast once a month.

.

.

.

Author’s Note: Girls 8, 9 and 10 had similar tastes and always hang out together and hence I thought I might as well combine their lists. There are several more items in their list but the above are the salient points. Please note that again they too speak with people in mind and may/may not be taken.

This is what the girls came up with as soon as I asked what they expected in a guy. So I’d like to think it was their subconscious speaking and not a revised answer. But, in most of the cases, the girl in question spoke with a person in mind. So I am willing to accept that their real wants might be different from the answers they gave, though this list is definitely enlightening. As you would have realized by now, there is no hard and fast rule to deal with girls and there is no such thing as a generic ideal boyfriend to suit all tastes. To the guys, I say, all the best with your updated knowledge bank. To the girls, I say, I’ll be laughing when I see you on your weddingJ

*Golden Rule of Life No 4. All guys are jerks.

An Objective View of the Mind-blowing events taking place at my college.....Omg i cant stop hyperventilating. OK Divya Breathe. In. Out. In.....Omg

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who have seen a former Miss World in person and those who haven’t. And I have just migrated to the second category. Thanks to a certain Ms.Aishwarya Rai who walked past me barely 3 feet away today evening. And did I mention I saw Mr.Rajinikanth too. Yeah yeah….The Rajinikanth. In person again.

God bless director Shankar who came up with another one of his excellent ideas to spend money and decided to shoot a scene for his upcoming movie ’Aenthiran’ (or however that is spelt) in our college auditorium. And so it came to be that a whole galaxy of stars descended upon this tiny hamlet called Kalavakkam which is around 40 km from Chennai.

Ha! Next time those engineers back at IIT or Guindy or the doctors at Ramachandra start a conversation bout celebrities and star-gazing, we SSNites will have something to contribute too….

You know what would have really wound up the package?? If junior B had decided to come and surprise his pretty wife at the shooting spot. And then we would have really had something to talk about. Sigh…..

P.S. The security guards didn’t allow us to take pictures and we figured that letting us watch the proceedings itself was a big boon so we didn’t exactly try much either. Sorry to all fans of my photographic skills out there. And people who don’t believe me….yeah you just have to take my word for it.

Night-A magical Time

People wonder why I’m a creature of the night. I wonder why they’re not.

The night is a magical time. The night is when the action begins. Just for confirmation, in case I’m sounding like a wild party animal, I’m not. I am not so much as a blip on the wild party radar.(My midnight action extends to calling friends over for a sleepover and catching a movie or talking all night. That’s the kind of wild-party-animal I am). So even if you’re not one to go club-hopping , the night still can hold a lot of potential. For one, night is when the calls begin. I mean the kinda calls that start at around 10 and last well until around 3 in the morning and which cover every conceivable topic of conversation under the sun. And then of course are the messages. And movies. And books. There’s nothing quite like curling up with a good book and reading till day break. And when I have a deadline to meet (read: record submission or a test the next day), night is when I get my work done.

But there really is something magical about this particular time of the day. Night is when a lot is said and done which wouldn’t at any other time. Night is when a lot of confessions are made. People say a lot of stuff, which they wouldn’t dare to be caught dead saying or which they would laugh away at any other time.

This is the time for proposals of undying love. This is the time for sweet nothings. This is the time for the sob stories. This is the time for apologies. This is generally the best time for utterly mindless conversations. A lot of people say stuff in the night and then wake up the next day and wonder how they could have been so stupid. And this happens to everyone, even those who are absolutely sober; so be warned.

I think it has something to do with the air which makes people sappy at night. Or rather it’s the stillness and privacy of the night which causes even tight-lipped highly unemotional people to babble. And even the ones who are not doing the talking seem to be more receptive (or defenseless) than usual. I really don’t know, I’ve given up trying to find out why. And I guess the reason really doesn’t matter. So now I just avoid phone calls in the night, especially when I’ve got something to hide or when I’m dying to say something which I know I’ll regret in the morning. Or on the other hand, I manipulate the situation when I want someone to spill the beans about something. Hehehe…………*evil grin*.

But the night can also be lonely. The silence stifling. The minutes depressing. Sometimes, even if I’ve just had a wonderful day, I still get a sudden , unexplained bout of sadness at night. A few drops of tears when you don’t even know what you are crying for. I’ve heard of lover’s pangs (of course everyone has, what with all the tamil movies with sad, sentimental songs sung at night, preferably looking at the moon. New york nagaram urangum neram.., nillave va from mouna ragam, yada yada) but do single people feel that as well??? Any other time of the day, and I can just up and leave, go for a drive or a movie until my defences are back and I feel better. But since I cant exactly do that at 2 in the morning, I’m left to wallow in my own solitude until I get so tired wallowing and fall asleepL

I guess being an insomniac has its own pros and cons just like everything else(so what else is new???) and I conclude (using my usual, standard punch dialog after every debate or essay or speech) that every thing has positives and negatives and we should only take the positives in our stride. Yaawn………gud nite.

The day is done, and the darkness

Falls from the wings of night,

As a feather is wafted downward

From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village

Gleam through the rain and the mist,

And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me

That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,

That is not akin to pain,

And resembles sorrow only

As the mist resembles the rain.

-Longfellow (one of my fave poets)

P.S. That’s another trick to use in speeches- qoute some famous guy. G’night.