How not to try and attract a girl

I shall be upfront. I am a creep magnet. if there is a creep/jerk/asshole within a 100 yards of me, he will be attracted to me. I never get the good guys. It is like the good Lord has purposefully cursed me with this horrible attraction after giving me more than my fair portion of super intelligence, good looks and kind and loving heart (kidding). So I am in a position where I have experienced a lotta dumb ways to try and attract a girl and I draw upon these experiences to outline a few ways which will definitely NOT work.

Exhibit A:

I am riding home in a share auto. Unfortunately for me, I am the only customer. It is the middle of the day in Chennai and I am already dead tired or I'd have caught a bus. SAD (Share Auto Driver) decides to engage in friendly conversation. SAD asks me if I am working. I smile (thinking of my proffessional looks) and explain that no, I am a student. Then he asks me where I am studying. I give my usual vague answer especially reserved for distantly-related uncles and aunts in weddings and funerals, "Engineering".

"Where?", he presses.

I give my 'my-mommy-told-me-not-to-talk-to-strangers' look. Wonder whether I shoud lie but then decide that no way is he gonna come all the way to OMR to kidnap me and hold me for ransom, and tell him the truth.

"Which year?" he asks.

"Final"

"Oh!", he exclaims. "What are you planning to do after studying?"

By then sick of making small talk, I take out my mobile phone and start texting, replying to him in monosyllables. Note:This usually dissuades most over-friendly cases who then leave me alone but this socially-challenged SAD obviously didnt get the point.

"What will you do after studying?" he persists.

Not wanting to explain to him the complicated process of 'GRE-tension-TOEFL-tension-applying-tension-waiting for admits-tension-VISA-tension-shopping-MS' (not to mention, all that cannot possibly be fit into a single syllable), I reply "Work".

"When will you get married then?"

This momentarily stuns me enough to lift my head from my texting haze and give him the blank stare I usually give my class girls when this topic comes up (I hate to compare my class girls with sleazy SAD, but circumstances force me). "After working a few years," I say.

"Will you invite me for you wedding?"

"How? I wont even know where you will be," I say, conveniently falling into his trap.

"Ok then. Give me your phone no. You can call me and speak. I can call you and speak. We can be friends."

He then proceeds to convince me that he has only the best intentions in mind and that he never usually asks phone numbers from girls (Yeah right!). Meanwhile, I am giving running updates to my very helpful friend. "He s asking my phone no now," I text.

"4 wat?," comes the reply.

"Yen kalyanathuku invite pannanumaam."

"Avaniye kalyanam panniko;-)" comes the very helpful reply from my very helpful friend. Did I mention that apart from being a creep-magnet, I also attract highly helpful friends?

The SAD's voice cuts into my mental search for a suitable expletive. "So?," he prompts.

I look up to see my stop has almost come. Making more vague non-committal sounds for a few more minutes, I get down as close to my stop as possible, give him his 7 rs, try to communicate 'un dabba auto ku 7 rs ae athikum, yen phone number vera kekutha' through a grimace and walk back home.

Sheesh.....people should stop believing that what they see in tamil movies will happen in real life. As of today, I have been pestered by share auto drivers for my phone number twice. It could be the same guy or could be two entirely different creeps. But more often, the creep in question is someone I know. To be fair, I start out liking the guy. There is something about a bad boy so intense that draws you. You start talking. Then you start texting, only for necessities at first and then exchanging random information. Then he starts calling you 'Darling' and 'Sweetypie' which is when you start finding him nauseatingly irritating. Then he starts calling you out for treats, his and yours, and starts playing with your earring and your hair (best case scenario). And if you are still dumb enough to talk to him, he usually corners you in some dark corner and spouts verbal nonsense. It is always the same. I will refrain from posting further examples of my creep-magnetism due to a lot of my family members having access to this sometimes very public blog.

Guys nowadays are desperate. One word of advice. Play it cool (Oh wait, thats three). Also, get a life! (Again three). If you want a girlfriend, you probably have a better chance of landing one if you dont go around with a flashing billboard stuck to your head. Have some class. Atleast have a pretense of class. Chivalry helps too. Girls have different, often conflicting notions of what they look for in a guy (for proof, read previous blogs) but a little chivalry can go a long way whoever the girl is. And practise personal hygiene. Only in movies do girls fall in love with stinking, sweaty males. So, unless you look like Hrithik Roshan after a workout, take a shower. And get a job. And a bank balance. And an American Express credit card. And a Mercedes SLK. And.....ok I'll stop but you get my drift. So until the fine day when you have done all the above, stop bothering us girls. Go juvenile watching Baywatch and of course there is always the proverbial cold shower.