Divya Zeitgest 2010

Writing about the year that has been is such a cliché. But i thought this year deserved a tribute, if not for now, atleast for the future when i can look back upon reading this and remember. Already i can feel memories fading. I have to struggle to remember the events of the early months and have to read my old posts to get a sense of how they were. Hence this post.

Last year around the same time when i was being all nostalgic about 2010, a friend told me the coming year would me more exciting and filled with more opportunities for me. Boy, did any of us have any idea of what was to come.

The winter was long. I had my project to worry about and the uncertainty over applications. At first glance, I would say these two worries kind of defined my early months. But i also had amazing fun with my friends doing absolutely completely nothing. All those afternoons watching movies, taking pictures, long bus rides and talking and talking and talking, about the past, about the present and about the future. We discovered a room for our conversations and called it our secret. We had our fights, we had our spats. It was a sad time for some of us and it kind of touched all of us in some way. But regardless, i think we would all say that those few months were some of the most carefree in our lives. I doubt we will ever get that sense of nothing-ness again. I remember missing Anjana, while she was away doing her project in Blore. I remember people getting mad at me for not being a part of Instincts. I remember people i’d dismissed as extras in my life stepping in and gaining priority. But i didn’t give them much thought. Their time would come later in the year.

The spring was tumultuous. We had a farewell to remember. The fights that followed and the tears were the highest point of drama in all of our 4 years of studying together. Ironically spring was the time for a lot of lasts.. The project and university drama drew to a finale. I went on a so so vacation with my family. And came back to face the summer.

I’ve always loved summers. Even Chennai summers. But this summer was by far the best and the most life changing. If spring was the time for lasts, summer was the time for firsts. But summer was also the true farewell. Suprisingly this farewell was sweet. I met people I thought had dropped out of the horizon of my life, in particular Zameera. Some people took centre stage, in particular Maya and Harish. Some people gained importance towards the very end, in particular Brighton and Arun. Bhavya didn’t come to visit me on my last day in Chennai. That was a niggling thorn that would dig in further in the year. She called a few minutes before I boarded and said ‘Oh shit you’re going for real!’. Almost every minute I lived that summer stands so vividly out, even the mundane ones. I remember standing in the bank, staring around blankly. I remember sitting on my parents bed, the feel of the bedsheet under me talking on the phone to Maya making a list of final things for her to buy. Summer was for shopping. Summer was for goodbyes. Summer was for love.

Fall was an odyssey. Fall was for everything and everyone new. Fall was for realizations. Fall is returning to size ‘S’ dresses. Fall has already been audited enough, so no more boring you.

What I have learnt this year

I deeply value and need my space. I like crowds and I like having people around, but only if I can go back to just myself and my space after the fun.

I cannot do casual relationships.

I like and enjoy cooking. Especially for people I love.

If you can walk away knowing that you’ve learnt something, that is more than enough.

Not to hate something that once made me happy

People should inspire, not intimidate

Living independently is not about never needing help. It’s about knowing when to ask for help.

There is a fine line between laidback and lazy, and optimism and denial.

All guys are assholes and jerks.

You’re never too old to make a fool of yourself. And you should atleast once a month.

I can fall in love with places easier than I can with people.

I have never lost something good to not been given better. That there is a reason for everything that happens in my life. Sometimes it takes years to realize it but there is. But not for people. People walk in and walk out of my life without reason. There is no point trying to reason why.

That we are all more connected than we know. That six degrees of separation is more than a theory. Which means that you can never really live disconnected from the past. But which also means you are never alone and never a stranger.

I probably have bipolar disorder.