Also, I was just hunting for a free note to type this out in my laptop, when I found this scrawled somewhere...

Better the sorrow of the future

Than the sorrow of today

I have no idea why I wrote that but it really sounds nice. Very poetic and profound and all great-Yoda-master kind of deep. Sometimes, I impress myself.

Midday epiphany

Its surprising because I have most of my epiphanies in the middle of the night, not just because nights do something to me, but also because there is more likelihood of me being awake at night than this time of the day. But I was cribbing to a friend about how some annoying guy and he told me something I should have realized a long time back. About how since I was just so open with everything, guys think they can talk to me and treat me anyway they like. And how their interactions with me are so much different from their interactions with other people. And how it was wrong that they can never say a nice word to me in public, that the only comments they can leave on my wall are lets-pull-her-leg sorta comments, how they'd ping me in private to say I look good on a picture or how my status in nice, but they wouldn’t be caught dead saying that in public, how they wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact that we are friends when we are in a group but would tell me their life secrets and text me every morning in private … how its just so so wrong that guys who are actually nice get laughed at. Also how it is wrong that all this and most social inappropriateness is considered acceptable guy behavior 'coz you know guys will be guys. And it seems to be exclusive to certain groups or communities of guys (thank God for that!). Since it is all I've ever seen back home in Chennai and since it is something that sticks out in particular groups now that I am here in LA, I tend to generalize and say that’s how Tamil guys are. I try to tell myself I am exhibiting the same narrowmindedness and prejudice that I laughed at my family for but statistically my prejudice is justified.

I was reading this article about how in this economy, people are scared to be rude but sometimes you have to be rude. (I tried hunting for the article, I cant find it now). Its true, you know? Its not ok to stew over a misguided comment or an ugly joke for a whole day and take it out on your friends and let it upset you but smile and act cool to the person responsible so that he/she can do it again. Sometimes people have to be put in their place. And if they are anywhere as nice as you deserve your friends to be, they'd understand and not hold it to you.

My October Snapshot

Well this is more an anthology of posts than a post in itself. Its just that with my mind in the stressed out and jumbled state it is in, I can only refer to other people’s writings to express myself than to try and put my own words to my thoughts. Plus, why reinvent the wheel, as we engineers like to say. I once wrote that writing a blog helps maintain a politically correct if not completely honest account of everything I am feeling at any given time, so that when I look back 10 years from now, I will know exactly what I was doing and thinking. Also, if I ever get Alzheimer’s or some form of dementia or just plain old bonk my head and lose all my memories, I highly doubt there is someone as hot as Ryan Gosling recounting my life story everyday to revive my memory. (Technically its James Garner doing the recounting but when has my blog ever been technically right?) So as I was saying, maintaining a blog does have its own benefits as a virtual semi-permanent record (as a friend was sweet enough to remind me in an attempt to urge me to right more often). But one thing I failed to mention was how writing a blog (and reading others’ blogs) can give you a feeling of belonging and not being so screwed up after all. Many a time have I ranted or cried out loud in this space only to receive a mail or a comment a couple of hours saying “hang in there” or “I’ve been there” or something of the sort. Its like how we Master’s students console ourselves after getting our grades. Even if you are below average, you are not far off the standard deviation after all. (Damn, Grad school is a veritable Zen House). All these benefits apart from being a showcase of your super huge go of course.

To start with my anthology, a long time back I read this post here. Its one of those posts that come back to you at random moments and with greater frequency as your friends start getting married. You stand at receptions, in lines, all dressed up and sparkly looking and tut to yourself at how your friend is throwing her (sometimes him, but mostly her) life away and all the things she could have done with her independence and youth. You feel jealous of all the fancy honeymoon pics in fancy locations and yet you smile condescendingly as you type out a “Wow! You guys look great” on FB. And sometimes, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a pile of ACM papers and coffee cups and a mobile phone that hardly ever rings anyway, you wonder if you are any happier or using your so called independence and youth any better. And sometimes after you’ve said “No” for the n-th time to a friend who enquired if you were in a relationship, to which you’d be greeted with a “why?” to which you’d stare blankly and give some platitude like “I don’t have the time” or “I haven’t met anyone interesting yet” and they’d smile condescendingly at you and say “Dont worry dear, you’ll find someone soon”..... sometimes after all that exchange of mutual condescension, you ask yourself “why?” and you wonder. Is there ever a right answer? Ever since I got back from India, I’ve been thinking why. Every friend I met has asked me that. And every time I’ve been stumped. What do you say to a question like that? Why are you not in a relationship? Why don’t you have a boyfriend? And it gets worse if you’ve just got back from a foreign country, which is surprising with me since I’ve also had the same choices and same opportunities regardless of the place I’ve been in, so not much changes, really.

I also read this post a while back and it reinforced this weird jumbled-up feeling. And it also is what I meant when I said blogs make you realize a lot of people are feeling the same way and you’re not as unique a snowflake as you think. It also made me wonder what I’d discovered when I was 20 (a lot, I realized, and a lot more in 21) and if I’d ever thought what I wanted to do with my life in the next decade. I’ve never been one for long term plans and planning out your life just seems morbid to me, though I do have some vague idea of stuff like Marriage and Career and going to Europe and buying a House. Anyway that post made me wonder if I wanted to wonder what I’d be doing in 10 years from now and I decided I’d rather not know. For one it might just lead to disappointment. Where I was very sure about what I’d do with my money when I get it, now I am only filled with doubts as responsibilities already peek in through the door. So I know not much good can come out of having a whimsical dream decade destination. On the flipside, now I can never say I did what I wanted to do and what I knew I would do when I turned 20, ‘cause I just didn’t think about what I wanted to do.

This blog, I discovered during my internship and fell in first sight love with. But as I read more and more, I didn’t know and still don’t know if it is something I want to be in love with. For one, it is a lot darker. And a lot more depressing. And doesn’t cut a lot of slack. And doesn’t let you tell yourself its ok to make mistakes and mess up a couple of relationships and ok to be airheaded and a little goofy. I read it and wish I never become that person who’s always right, even if she is, who’s always mature, and who’s judging even if it means she doesn’t make as many mistakes. Dont get me wrong. I really admire the blogger. I wouldn’t be able to do what she does. Its just that I don’t want to be her. And I cant stand talks of the One anyway.

And finally, I just re-read this poem and let me tell you I loved it. I know the person who wrote it and it surprised me as it always does when I don’t give as much credit to people as I should and it rears up and bites me in the ass. Dont read too much into my posting it here. I’m not going through a decision making crisis. I just think its an awesome poem. And yeah I agree that choices aren’t always as easy as choosing 1 out of 2 and yeah they never seem to end.

On a personal update note, life is the same as always, doing its up-and-down-thingy. Not much has changed except that I am finding it extraordinarily hard to keep up with its pace, even more so than usual. The contours of Divya’s map of friendship levels are changing again and I’m still getting used to not talking as much to people I used to talk a lot to and talking a lot to people I hardly ever spoke to before. I am addicted to Big Bang Theory. Its my new Master Chef Australia. Also, according to this algorithm, whatever it is, I am a happy-most-of-the-time person. All I have to say is, I hate to think of the 9683 people who got ranked below me on the happiness scale.




P.S. I just realized after publishing it that this post sounds a little lonely. Let me assure you I am not. Lonely. A little annoyed at the bent every conversation with my friends seem to take these days and some new restrictions about bringing up old flame stories of married friends, yes, but lonely, no. So to the people who might worry, dont.