There was a time when i had my relationships all figured out, my friends all classified and categorized into neat little boxes: ‘Best friends’, ‘Good friends’, ‘OK-ish friends’, ‘friends to suthify with’, ‘friends you call up’, ‘friends you message’.... it was a world with well-defined boundaries, well-recognized rules. Sometimes people would surprise me and consequently be promoted or demoted to the appropriate level. I miss that rigid world.
Now my world is fluid with relationships that shift and change in moments. People walk in from the periphery of my life and lay claim to it. People whom i considered to be the core of my life walk away or simply fade into obscure mists. Relationships, i can no longer categorize or define with boundaries or set down rules of exchange. And i, who have never been able to shut up, find myself at a loss for words to describe what i share with the people in my life. How do you explain something to somebody that you do not understand yourself? I start sentences that i cannot end. I stare vacantly at people who were once ‘Level 1-Best friends’ and wonder what changed. Some, i have lost to meaningless fights. Some, i have lost to lethargy, a listlessness that we allowed to let grow in our relationship and now we are too far apart with too many spaces between us that the only thing binding us together is a respect for the past, the time whence we walked the same path and looked at life with the same perceptions. And some have changed so completely that you no longer know whether it is they who have changed or whether it was you who’d judged them wrong the whole while, trying to fit them to an image in your head. Others, who wouldn’t have made the ‘friends you call up’ grade a few years back are now some of the people i cannot go a day without talking. One, whom i considered my natural sworn rival 4 years back (for liking the same guy), i talk to everyday and make giddy plans for the future with. And then there are the others. The ones who have always been there. The constants, who despite a few tumults and distractions and angry words and periods of cold accusing silences, have stuck. It is to those few that i dedicate this blog. To the ones who, even if they do not understand, listen to what i wish to say; the ones who, even if i can no longer relate to, i can always talk to (talk as in hold a conversation with as opposed to mindless empty chatter that mean nothing or endless reminiscences of the past); the ones you can laugh with over a drink at interviews and boyfriends and dumb vijay moviesJ
It has been a season of goodbyes, when my memories are reduced to snapshots- a group of 4 girls standing under the neon lights of Southern Residency watching as i walk to the bus, Rd standing outside a train beaming like an idiot, Mani sitting in a hotel explaining (his theory of) why coffee should not be taken together with breakfast, Anpu leaning in her balcony waving goodbye, a wierd call in the middle of the day saying ‘i love you’-snapshots that play an endless montage inside my head set to sappy friendship songs. A season of promises. A season of not knowing what to feel, too scared to hug and say the usual “goodbye, all the best, take care” combo because it sounds so final. A season of watching friends leave and counting down the ones still left and the days until you have to leave too. A season too sparkling with the possibilities of the future to regret or wish for the past. And a season that doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon. So till then, heres to more sad FB statuses and early morning trips to railway stations and listening to people crib about bad food and internet restrictions and training assignments. Hic!
P.S. May God bless TCS and the few other companies and universities who have delayed their joining dates to allow me the pleasure of the little company i have left. Amen.
