Hide yo wives, hide yo kids!

Foreword: This is actually a post I've been meaning to write for quite some time. But every time my writing mood disappears by the time I actually get down to it. I no longer even remember how this pet project started but I think it’s about time this collective genius saw the light of the day.

From the beginning of time, women have always been dealt the shorter end of the stick (or the smaller piece of the apple pie, if you want a cliché that is more relevant to our time). Thanks to Eve's original sin (oh yeah, thanks a lot bitch), we are the ones who, not only have to suffer through PMS and labor and menopause and glass ceilings at workplaces and being felt up on buses and…. well a load of shit to be concise, but also have to wade through tons of creepy friend requests on social networking sites from random social cretins. On the brighter side, most of these requests are shit funny, so I thought why not share the fun with the lesser endowed sex (yeah see how generous we are). So here are some of the requests my friends and I have got in the last couple of months. I swear on the holy ground of my forefathers these are the original requests and I have done no editing except to bleep out the names of the people involved. So all errors in grammar and spelling and any inadvertent hilarity are entirely to be credited to the requester.

Category A: The bait

This is the most common category. These requests are fairly short, just grub to see if the fish bites. So you might find that they are not more than a few lines, often lacking in originality and creativity. This is the category that the usual "hey there sexy" and "you look hot. Wanna be frenz?" belong to. This also includes all the corny one liners, the stale pickup lines, witty (you wish) responses to status messages and also compliments and questions baiting the requestee. Some actual examples are:

hi gorgeous:) every1 out there is just an unknown friend:)wat say:)n lookin cute n sparkling :)

your taste n attitude sounds good

u r very terror person i think so by the by am **** 98******** ******@gmail

Are you dead or alive? "Why" Because my religion says only the dead can be angels.

Are you in egmore?

Category B: The miff

This is a more advanced form of baiting. This involves the requester vaguely insulting or snubbing the requestee so that she may get goaded into an argument/conversation with the requester. Due credit must be given to Tamil cinemas, especially sucky Vijay movies, for making this approach popular. A few examples

hi ****** really u r so cute friend,am not telling lie,but u r not overcute,just i like u thats it, i wish to join ur friendship,can u accept me friend......

Author's note: In this not only was the requestee not 'overcute' but also her name was spelt so wrong as to make it a completely different name. I don’t know if that was on purpose or not.

Nice that u have written in about me section. Is it copied from some where or yours

Category C: The direct request

This is the one that does not fool around and comes directly to the point. The only good thing that can be said about this category of requests is that it takes so much lesser time to delete.

looksvery very cute may i kn ow ur cell no

hi ***** ur name is very sexy u can call me for fun

Hi I think I want to have sex with you

Author’s note: yeah been there got that!

Category D: The frills

This is the opposite of Category C. These are the requests that sound like your average Anna University answer paper and write a story for a single line.

I jus happened to see ur profile, when i was looking into one of ma fav communities.I read ur testimonials, it's very nice n i liked ur profile too, Its really kooool. Also i found some things in common b/w u and me. So i thought lemme ping you. If u r interested in taking me as ur friend then pleaz do scrap me.

Hiiiiiiii ***,

This is **** a BE from chennai looking for some gud friendships. Im jus hunting for a buddy hoo can b true 2 me, to whom i can share my thoughts freely and b there for me at all times.

Well i read ur profile, it's really nice N kooool. so i thought of buzzing you. Am really sorry if u feel that i had peeked into ur profile unnecessarily. Jus in case if u r interested and wish to take me as ur friend, then pleaz do scrap me.

Looking forward for ur great friendship. bye. take care. Chiooooooooooo sooooon....

hey **** u look same as like ma friend...i got very much shocked u know

heya ****.. i really dunno how far ma start up text is gonna capture urs...!! but i jst feel like u r some1 very much familiar to me ..like some1 i come across walking frequently....like ma cousin or ma neighbor....neither ways... i tot it would be gr8 to keep in cont with a person i ever feel so... hope u appreciate accepting ma invi special among millions of others ...lol.... if its the fortune lets get to know betta .. though i know u won be much interested in befriending a complete stranger like me.... even if i was in ur place would be thinking so... bt i really feel its worth a chance with me ... hope u appreciate it.;]

Category E: The professions of undying love

Ah! This is the category that’s the most fun! The ones that wax eloquent about your beauty and the romance that has bloomed in the heart of the requester, the ones that would make any self respecting chick flick watcher weep happy tears at the joy and wonder of true love.

If u dont mind we can married

I lov u chellam

i like you chellam

u r so beautifulllllllllllllll..............i wans to b frnd wid u forever

Author's note: All the above and a lot more were from the same guy

Hi ***** ...This is *** here .Sorry to disturb you i have sent couple of offline msges to you,i am not sure you have seen that or not.This mail is not to intimidate you or i am not flirting around here.I know i am totally a stranger to you and I got nothing to do with you and I don't know why i am acting so stupid to message to an unknown gal seriously like this.Some spark or something that urge me talk to you.Should have been seen you in my college i would have flattered that moment.Unfortunately I have passed out of college when u started your engineering.I would have definitely talked with you if i would been in India by this time,Its not like flirting kind of stuffs but more-like "Entha mathri oru ponnu kita atleast friendavathu irukanum or atleast one word pesanum" that kind of feel ok.May be I like to know more about you,if you think me as stranger or unknown person then whoever your friends now, are stranger to you until you talk a first word with them right ??So if you wish you can talk with me or If you think me as disturbance jst ignore this mail or send an word your not interested to talk ok.I have sent orkut request as well, hopefully i think u would have blocked me yahoo i guess and ignored my friends request on orkut as well but whats there in talking **** ....is that gonna harm you anyway ..nee irukura athai college than my sister also studying appo than i jst came by to your college and saw you.Typical gal tendency that your not responding to unknown person but i like that too but there are good ppl as well.

Author's note: That’s my personal favorite. This was one of a series of mails my friend got (presumably from a guy who studied at her college and saw her during some cultural fest and immediately fell in love and somehow managed to trace her. Unfortunately this was the only mail she had retained. I just wish she'd saved the rest too. Major potential lost.

hi ****, i saw ur photos,i admired photos, i like ur friend right side 3girls,blue jean,without glass,she is very cute,i like very much,can u intro that girl pls ****,she look like my dream girl.....

Author's note: This is a different approach I know.

This is what we go through. Every single day. Trust me, my finger is sore from all the deleting and ignoring and 'not now'ing that I do. My orkut scrap book is like a graveyard of random requests now. And so is the case with most other ppl I know. Unfortunately very few people I know still had the requests undeleted to send to me to add to this database. If any of you girls reading this, have any that are seriously funny, can you please mail them to me?

I actually considered putting a disclaimer at the beginning of this post and saying this post was not meant to hurt anyone's feelings but frankly, I don’t care. If your request was on the above list, thanks for the entertainment. We all really enjoyed it!

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