I am sitting in my bed in my grandpa's house applying body butter on my elbows and knees. I have to enjoy luxuries like body butter while I can coz soon I'll be back in LA and I'll have to grunge on a student's budget again. I am sitting and staring vacantly into space thinking about nothing and everything. I have no mood to write. And I especially cant write about what I want to write but I have nothing to do and I might as well write. Better than staring blankly and creeping out everyone in the house, I guess. My words don’t even have the energy to form themselves into coherent sentences much less paragraphs so I am just going to throw caution and good language sense to the wind and pen down my thoughts of the last half hour.
I want to dance. Not in a club with random strangers grooving around me, checking out the girls, getting drunk at the bar and puking their guts out in the bathrooms. Not some synchronized choreographed performance with a group. Just put the music on high and dance and whirl round and round in my room. I cant even dance alone in this country without waking up the entire household and then some. I wish I can go back to stone and cement houses where I can do anything I want to and noone would hear.
I miss my room. My own private room. How much it has seen my through! The tears, the midnight phone calls, the conversations, the blood and the pain of the DAV years and the clandestine trysts of the last few months.
Its funny how one incident can mask years worth of memories, how one person can define a season, an entire year so that when I look back at the year this has been all I can see is that one person, that one incident and some other random memories struggling and rearing their heads once in a while for recognition.
The year has been good to me but not kind. I got what I wanted, everything that I wanted and everything I wished for. But none whole, none how and where I wished for. I wake up in my dream everyday. But I don’t know if I like it. I don’t whether I am the one screwing it or the other way round. A bit of both I suppose.
The last few days have been wierd- catching up with the past and the past catching up with me. I met with people I knew as a different person from a different life, met them in the here and the now, met them as different people. Part recognition, part rediscovery and part reorganization the weekend has been, looking at old things from new perspectives and new things from old perspectives. But you cannot choose what you want to remember, atleast I cant. And with the memories I'd forgotten and remembered again with friends, came the memories I'd not really forgotten and never wanted to remember. You think you are over a part of your life. But it leaps up and bites you when you least expect it, when you are most defenseless- in boring classes, in long train rides, in the middle of some crappy serial when some chance remark sets off a wholly different train of thought. And you go over and over it in your head, dissecting and analyzing, not knowing whether you want it to end or not.
I feel like I rewound my life back 6 years, only this is worse. The past, I don’t want to remember, the present drains me and there is no promise in the near future. If I could go into hibernation for the next couple of months, I would. Its times like these that make me wish badly for my mommy.
I mentioned in my last post I have never lost a good thing to not been given something better. But now that I've crossed the point of no return with the good, I seem to be stuck in a state of suspended animation and not even the assurance of a better thing is enough to wake me up from this limbo.
Sigh. This has turned out to be one of those posts where you write an entire blog to say one sentence, where there is only one thing you want to talk about but you cant so you talk about everything but that one thing and yet manage to make everything you talk about only mean the one thing you cant. To all of you who cant make any sense of this post, I am sorry but that is exactly how I feel now too. To all of you who think you can, you're wrong.
Till next time, when I shall, hopefully, be in a more coherent state of mind, lots of love and happiness for the holidays!
No comments:
Post a Comment