Note to readers: I know I haven’t
written in a long time. I can come up with an airheaded apology but I don’t know
whom I’m apologizing to. Probably myself, because writing is an extremely
fulfilling hobby. It helps you think things through, find solace in tiny black
letters appearing on a plain white page and, as I have often mentioned here and
which ultimately tipped me back over the edge to the world of penning, more
importantly, preserving memories. Not the stark ones, the extremely joyous trip
to , the time your boyfriend surprised you with , the
day you got married or gave birth or other important life checkpoints. You
probably have a facebook album for that anyway. Not even the days you were
depressed to your bones and couldn’t find anything in your life worth the
effort, if you would like to remember those sorts of things, maybe as a lesson
to future self. I am talking about those quiet sorts of memories that disappear
into dusty corners of your mind until a sudden snippet of a song or a flash of
a dress in a shop window or any other random sensory stimulus pulls it out for
a brief minute. The day you went walking in the park because you were bored,
the drive down I-5, the time when someone started that absolutely hilarious
conversation about horcruxes that lead you to a new perception of reality, that
one sunset…unless you have a facebook album for times like those too (which I
totally do not judge you for. I think any way of preserving memories is a good
way, even if they are on the racks of data centers of social networking
companies if not your own mind), those are moments lost for a really long time,
possibly forever. I only have to read some of my older posts on this same blog
to find validation to that claim. I have forgotten so much, so so much of the
years past, even though I thought I was invincible and that I’d never forget. I
look at faces in my friends list sometimes and I wonder how I know them and
sometimes people talk about incidents in the past and I wonder how I could ever
have forgotten that but I have. I repeat again my dear readers, writing is a
beautiful hobby to have.
*Huge breath*
I am in one of those phases that
you sometimes slip into even in the most splendid and best of days, where you
wonder about your life and you wonder if this is where you want to be. And you
feel sad because you seem to want to feel sad for yourself and the more you
think, the more you attract sad thoughts.
I am thinking now of
relationships, why it is so cold and whether I should buy a dog. The reason I haven’t
gotten a dog yet is because I somehow feel like I would betray my dog back home
in India. Another big reason is because I came to US with no intention of long
term stay. I gave myself 5 years here and I told myself I was going back. The
more I stay, the more this magical number of 5 multiplies. My roots here go
deeper and I sometimes wonder why I should go back at all. The only reason I see
is an inflated sense of patriotism where I think it is my duty to go back to India
and contribute to the future of the country, to take up the challenge of
democracy. Most days I wonder why that should be at the cost of personal
comfort, my lifestyle and my career. As Siddharth’s character in Ayudha Ezhuthu
said “I am an ordinary selfish person.” And with that comes ordinary selfish
thoughts. But I digress. A dog would mean deeper commitments to where I am
since I do not want to put any dog through the stress of uprooting homes and
international travel. Now that I am being more honest with myself, I can see
that I probably will not move for the next couple of years, so might as well.
With relationships- that entire
category in my pie chart of happiness (does anyone get the 30 Rock reference
here? Wasn’t the finale amazing? I’m going to miss it!) seems to be completely
unoccupied. I usually avoid conversations about relationships when friends ask.
“But what are your plans? What are you doing about it?” they would ask, and my
usual response would be a shrug of the shoulders and that would usually be
followed by a lecture on taking responsibility and initiative until the time
they give up. To those who have not been in the loop with regards to my life, I
realize I have to provide more detail. What my friends mean by responsibility
and initiative is to join an online dating site like Match or OkCupid. Since,
most of us do not believe in serendipity and meeting the love of your life in
the supermarket aisle or in the park while you are jogging, or believe that the
guy who is hitting you up at the bar is looking for anything more than a
one-night stand and since the only place you get to meet new and interesting
people these days is at work where everyone seems to be married or in a
relationship already, the only conceivable way to get into a relationship seems
to be by going online (If you know any other way, let me know). Sitting around
and waiting for time to happen is not an option. I was listening to a TED talk
by Judy Balan (you will find a link to her blog on the side) yesterday on
serendipity and letting life happen and I do not subscribe to that school of
thought. Yet. And if you are interested in why online dating is an
algorithmically superior way to meet the kind of people you want to meet, do
contact me and I shall provide you with a summary and conclusion of several
nights’ worth of discussions we have had about the same. But as much as I know
I should, I don’t think I have the mental makeup for online dating, yet. It requires
a certain objective decision-making and precision and walking away from sucky
decisions that I do not yet possess. So, in time, I tell myself and my friends.
In time. I wonder when that time shall come.
It is cold. Coldness clings to
everything it touches, like a skin on the carpet, on my bed linen and on my own
self. Spring is definitely coming, the days are growing longer, the hills that
surround the Valley are greening, I can go to bed without the heater cranked up
to high and some days, just some days, I can walk outside in the evenings
without an additional layer. But still the cold refuses to go away for good. Waiting
and waiting.
To people wondering about me, my
usual update: my life is pretty good. Do not let my whining post deceive you in
to thinking otherwise. Friends are amazing. I would not be lying if I told you
that I have finally found the friends I have always wanted to have, though it
sounds unfair to my previous friends. I am taking French classes since I am
bored (have I mentioned that before?) They are coming along fine though they
are taking a lot more effort on my part than I’d originally thought. I finally
joined the local library and I have been immersing myself in books since. And I
learnt a new life lesson in the process- to a reader, you never truly belong in
a place until you find a good source of books. And I finally belong. I am
developing new interests (wine) and renewing old ones (guitar). I am sticking
to my new year resolution of ‘get active, get healthy’. I am making travel
plans, trying to be more fiscally responsible and stop eating out so much. I am
getting back in touch with a lot of people I haven’t spoken to in ages. It’s a
slow process but a rewarding one. I sometimes feel overwhelmed like I won’t
have enough time to do all that I want to do but as a friend tells me, it’s a good
problem to have. Work is plateauing a bit but with the hope of picking up soon.
Car is amazing. House is great. Health is fine. But my doctor wants a pap smear
on record, so I am mentally preparing myself (deep breaths) to make that call
to fix that appointment.
Soon.
P.S. This is a new phase of
honesty in this blog. Its going to take an effort, but I stop giving abstract
hints about what is happening in my life or trying to sound cooler and nicer
than I am. The flipside is I am taking the link of my facebook page so if my
mother wants to stalk me and keep track of my daily ponderings and stress about
my mistakes, its going to be harder for her to do so. But hopefully this will
now be a near accurate record of the messed up state of my mind.
