How not to try and attract a girl

I shall be upfront. I am a creep magnet. if there is a creep/jerk/asshole within a 100 yards of me, he will be attracted to me. I never get the good guys. It is like the good Lord has purposefully cursed me with this horrible attraction after giving me more than my fair portion of super intelligence, good looks and kind and loving heart (kidding). So I am in a position where I have experienced a lotta dumb ways to try and attract a girl and I draw upon these experiences to outline a few ways which will definitely NOT work.

Exhibit A:

I am riding home in a share auto. Unfortunately for me, I am the only customer. It is the middle of the day in Chennai and I am already dead tired or I'd have caught a bus. SAD (Share Auto Driver) decides to engage in friendly conversation. SAD asks me if I am working. I smile (thinking of my proffessional looks) and explain that no, I am a student. Then he asks me where I am studying. I give my usual vague answer especially reserved for distantly-related uncles and aunts in weddings and funerals, "Engineering".

"Where?", he presses.

I give my 'my-mommy-told-me-not-to-talk-to-strangers' look. Wonder whether I shoud lie but then decide that no way is he gonna come all the way to OMR to kidnap me and hold me for ransom, and tell him the truth.

"Which year?" he asks.

"Final"

"Oh!", he exclaims. "What are you planning to do after studying?"

By then sick of making small talk, I take out my mobile phone and start texting, replying to him in monosyllables. Note:This usually dissuades most over-friendly cases who then leave me alone but this socially-challenged SAD obviously didnt get the point.

"What will you do after studying?" he persists.

Not wanting to explain to him the complicated process of 'GRE-tension-TOEFL-tension-applying-tension-waiting for admits-tension-VISA-tension-shopping-MS' (not to mention, all that cannot possibly be fit into a single syllable), I reply "Work".

"When will you get married then?"

This momentarily stuns me enough to lift my head from my texting haze and give him the blank stare I usually give my class girls when this topic comes up (I hate to compare my class girls with sleazy SAD, but circumstances force me). "After working a few years," I say.

"Will you invite me for you wedding?"

"How? I wont even know where you will be," I say, conveniently falling into his trap.

"Ok then. Give me your phone no. You can call me and speak. I can call you and speak. We can be friends."

He then proceeds to convince me that he has only the best intentions in mind and that he never usually asks phone numbers from girls (Yeah right!). Meanwhile, I am giving running updates to my very helpful friend. "He s asking my phone no now," I text.

"4 wat?," comes the reply.

"Yen kalyanathuku invite pannanumaam."

"Avaniye kalyanam panniko;-)" comes the very helpful reply from my very helpful friend. Did I mention that apart from being a creep-magnet, I also attract highly helpful friends?

The SAD's voice cuts into my mental search for a suitable expletive. "So?," he prompts.

I look up to see my stop has almost come. Making more vague non-committal sounds for a few more minutes, I get down as close to my stop as possible, give him his 7 rs, try to communicate 'un dabba auto ku 7 rs ae athikum, yen phone number vera kekutha' through a grimace and walk back home.

Sheesh.....people should stop believing that what they see in tamil movies will happen in real life. As of today, I have been pestered by share auto drivers for my phone number twice. It could be the same guy or could be two entirely different creeps. But more often, the creep in question is someone I know. To be fair, I start out liking the guy. There is something about a bad boy so intense that draws you. You start talking. Then you start texting, only for necessities at first and then exchanging random information. Then he starts calling you 'Darling' and 'Sweetypie' which is when you start finding him nauseatingly irritating. Then he starts calling you out for treats, his and yours, and starts playing with your earring and your hair (best case scenario). And if you are still dumb enough to talk to him, he usually corners you in some dark corner and spouts verbal nonsense. It is always the same. I will refrain from posting further examples of my creep-magnetism due to a lot of my family members having access to this sometimes very public blog.

Guys nowadays are desperate. One word of advice. Play it cool (Oh wait, thats three). Also, get a life! (Again three). If you want a girlfriend, you probably have a better chance of landing one if you dont go around with a flashing billboard stuck to your head. Have some class. Atleast have a pretense of class. Chivalry helps too. Girls have different, often conflicting notions of what they look for in a guy (for proof, read previous blogs) but a little chivalry can go a long way whoever the girl is. And practise personal hygiene. Only in movies do girls fall in love with stinking, sweaty males. So, unless you look like Hrithik Roshan after a workout, take a shower. And get a job. And a bank balance. And an American Express credit card. And a Mercedes SLK. And.....ok I'll stop but you get my drift. So until the fine day when you have done all the above, stop bothering us girls. Go juvenile watching Baywatch and of course there is always the proverbial cold shower.

What I'm not saying

No, I haven't got an admit yet. If I do I will let you know. Along with the rest of the world. In like 5 mins after I get to know. So quit bugging me up until then.

Oh great! You got one? That is so fine. Now please release me, I have to go check my mail one more time.

No, I don't have OCD. It is highly possible that someone might have sent me an admit in the 2 hours since I last checked and I do not want to miss out on that.

Yes, I know people with GRE scores lesser than mine have already got admits. Yes, GRE is not everything, which is what I have been trying to tell you for the last few months.

No, I do not want to be reminded of how much money I have spent applying or all the stuff I could have done with it. And no, I do not want to hear your empty promises about how I am sure to get an admit within next week. So if your conversation is going to include any of the above categories, do me a favor and shut up!

No Mr.Salesman, that gift is for my friend for his birthday. No, you don't have to give me that sly smile. Yes that is for another friend for his birthday. Please I can see the cogs turning in your head. No need to let your imagination go into hyperdrive. Yes, I'd like them gift-wrapped. No please not the pink hearts gift wrapper. Oh, never mind....

Yes, two tickets please. Oh no, not again!

No, I do not want to play the guitar for her. So what if she is a guest? I am not a walking jukebox.

Yes mom, I know you told me so.

Yes, I love Sleepless in Seattle. Yes I love Hitch. But not if I have to watch it for the hundredth time. So please, just please with the romance overload. Why isn't there any head banging, metal screeching, high-on-testosterone movie with lotsa fast cars and cool guns? Please can I just watch Tomb Raider for a change now?

Yes, I still love rom-coms though. And I'd watch Ashton Kutcher anywhere anytime. No, there is no need to look at me like I've grown feet from my head.

No, I dont like the anti-V day messages you have been bombarding me for the last one week. Can you quit the hypocrisy when I know very well that you would be committed if you had the choice. And not to mention sending gushing messages about love and romance to everyone on your friend's list if you were on the other side.

No, I haven't forgotten you. I have just been busy. If you'd wanted to see me you should have come over or called me up for a change instead of going on and on about how I am ignoring you.

No, I did not mean to mess up my own birthday party. If I'd known I would have come.

No, I do not want to change my project.

Yes, I often smile to myself. No, I am not crazy.

Yes, I am sick of planning stuff with this class and watching them all bomb. No, I am not gonna do it again. Yes, that is what I said last time.

Yes, I know you dont know a thing and you know I dont know a thing. SO can we please drop this pretense of a class and watch a movie together instead.

Yes, that was me you heard screaming. Yes, Paranormal Activity scared me. No, it's not lame.

No, I just called to check if your phone was still working. Yes, I want to talk to you idiot.

No, I do not want to hear about your boyfriend troubles. He is a jerk, a class A asshole and a rotten human being. You should be happy to be rid of him.

No, I do not want to hear about all your fans and the troubles you have managing them. Yes, I am getting down here. Yes, its two miles from my stop. Thats Ok, I'd rather walk.

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!

Yes, I liked twilight. Please dont bang your head against the wall on my account.

Yes, he is cute. Yes, he bites. But only when you step on his tail or try to steal his food.

Oh great! Guess what, I dont care.

No, I will not settle down in the US. I will come back. Oh yeah, you dont believe me? Sure, I'll take you on. Easiest 5000 I ever won.

Yes, thats me in the pic. Yes, thats my friend. No, I am not introducing you to her.

Yes dad, I think you are going insane. Must be all those amman serials and Thirumathi Selvam you're watching.

No, I really am bankrupt. No, I am not lying to avoid you. Please, the world does not revolve around you.

No, I am neither Team Macho nor Team Chocolate boy. No, I dont have any idea which type you are.

No, it wasn't me. It was my phone.

If you'd started writing my LOR in all the time you spend farming and baking lasagnas, you would have finished it by now. So dont give me crap about how you dont have time.

No, I haven't seen him yet. Is he really as cute as they say?

Yet another jobless discussion during yet another vetti period

Once upon a time, when Anpu, Rd and I were sitting under the tree (the one near the dustbin) near stores sipping on chocolate milkshake, we started talking about what we look for in a guy. So involved were we in the topic that the discussion continued when we were back in class. And soon, every one of the 15 girls in my class was talking about what she expected from a guy and what qualities make up the ideal boyfriend. For the purpose of brevity and keeping in mind the concentration limit of any normal human being, I choose not to discuss Arthy’s expectations in this post. I will (try to) release that in a series of episodes on popular demand only. (Lol).

The following is an excerpt from our discussion. If I had any doubt that girls are the most confusing half of the species, then it was laid to rest on that fateful day. (Guys are simple. All guys are jerks. But girls…….even us girls cannot understand us girls). I doubt whether even Mr. John Gray (of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus fame) would be able to decode us completely. Also, as I write this I realize that some, if not most, of these wishes will go unfulfilled as they are in direct contradiction of Golden Rule of Life No.4*. Still, it would be fun to turn up 10 years later to see the guys my classmates have ended up with and to determine whether they have any relevance to the List. Also, I wish to remind the readers that I am not trying to draw any conclusions or classify girls. I am simply stating the problem, not suggesting any solutions. Readers are encouraged to interpret this in any way they like as long as it does not involve any physical harm to the author.

Girl No.1

Boy should be individualistic and should not try to change me.

Should have passion for traveling.

Should have a sense of humor and should not be short tempered.

Should read a lot of books.

Should give me a lot of small-small surprises. Otherwise life will be boring.(I swear that is what she said)

Should respect women.

Should consider my feelings and tolerate my faults.

Should be close to his family.

Should have lotsa frenz.

Look-able.

Honest.

Clean and decent manners (I don’t want a cave man).

Shouldn’t be over-romantic, dripping romance at every corner.

Author’s note: Am happy to say that girl no.1 has a boyfriend who exactly matches the above list. I don’t know about the traveling part though. And over-romantic is definitely not a problem though surprise might be. And thankfully said boyfriend has a lot of patience, enough to deal with even girl no.1. Go guy!!! No mention of Vijaykanth here tho:)

Girl No.2

Should be a very helpful person.

Should let me help others.

Should not be jealous and forbid me from speaking to other boys.

Should not see other girls.

Should not scold me.

Should not dominate.

Should be soft and sweet.

Author’s Note: personally *gag*

Girl No.3

Should be well-read, talented and cool.

Tall with proportionate weight.

Should have a big gang of friends.

His decisions should always be correct.

Should make me admire him.

May have had girlfriends previously but no serious love affairs. Kadalai allowed.

Should be a good speaker. (Should have good mazhupifying characteristics).

Should not be a sadist. (‘aduthavungala keduthu vaazhara type a iruka koodathu’ were her words exactly)

Should not be stubborn and believe that what he says is only correct.

May drink but no smoking.

Should be dominating.

Should give me money whenever I ask for it.

Author’s Note: It can be seen from the above list that girl no.3 watches a lot of tamil movies. Another more likely explanation is that girl no.3 speaks with a person in mind, though author would like to remind girl no.3 that person-in-mind cannot be said to have proportionate weight.

Girl No.4

Should be like me.

Should not drink or smoke because that is harmful to his health.

He should not separate me from my family.

Should have learnt atleast to my extent, if not more.

Should earn more than me.

Should have a lot of practical knowledge of the outside world.

Author’s Note: Be warned that girl no.4 is contemplating doing M.Tech so point no.4 is not for the faint of the heart. Point no.3 may be a result of watching too many tamil serials, but of that I should not speakJ

Girl No.5

Learned and knowledgeable. (like SD. She said that, I swear)

Tall.

Confident.

Should take my suggestions before making any decision and should not order or compel me.

No dum and no thanni.

Should not be possessive.

Should make me his 1^st priority.

Should spend time with me.

Should treat me like a friend and my parents as his own.

Author’s note: Of everybody’s list, I found this and girl no.1’s to be most practical. And I am not just saying that because of point no.1J

Girl No.6

Should respect me.

Should be patient because I am definitely not.

Should be broad-minded.

Should be understanding.

Should not be possessive.

Smoking and drinking is ok as long as it is once in a while.

Author’s Note: This is another list I appreciated a lot because of girl no.6’s outlook of life. This is what she said:

“I will not force him to stop smoking and drinking but I will be very happy if he does, as long as he does not keep harping on the fact that he did it for me. I don’t care how he spends his money. It is his money after all. But he should not expect me to spend for him.”

And most importantly, “I will not compel him. If he doesn’t like me, he can leave. He should not do anything for me just for the sake of doing.”

*sigh* if only more people were as practical.

Girl No.7

Should not be a greek God. A look-able guy is enough.

Should be health-conscious.

Business-minded.

Lover of knowledge even if he hasn’t learnt a lot.

Should be madly in love with me but should not express it.

Should argue a lot with me.

Should be possessive.

Should not be too close with family. It should be just me and him.

He may have other girl friends but I should be no.1 in his list of priorities.

Drinking and smoking is fine as long as he is not addicted to it.

Should not be meticulous.

Author’s Note: This was the most entertaining list, apart from girl no.3 of course. Looking back, it seems that girl no.7 too has spoken with someone in mind though girl no.7 is currently single.

Girls nos. 8,9,10

Should be possessive.

Should be dominating.

Should keep teasing me.

Should talk a lot.

Should keep arguing with me.

Should have lotsa frenz.

Should not be a workaholic.

Should not be an only child.

Joint family.

Should not be an IT professional.

Should go shopping with me.

Should do stuff for me without my asking.

Should know more about me than I do myself.

Should give me suprises.

Should take me out atleast once a month.

.

.

.

Author’s Note: Girls 8, 9 and 10 had similar tastes and always hang out together and hence I thought I might as well combine their lists. There are several more items in their list but the above are the salient points. Please note that again they too speak with people in mind and may/may not be taken.

This is what the girls came up with as soon as I asked what they expected in a guy. So I’d like to think it was their subconscious speaking and not a revised answer. But, in most of the cases, the girl in question spoke with a person in mind. So I am willing to accept that their real wants might be different from the answers they gave, though this list is definitely enlightening. As you would have realized by now, there is no hard and fast rule to deal with girls and there is no such thing as a generic ideal boyfriend to suit all tastes. To the guys, I say, all the best with your updated knowledge bank. To the girls, I say, I’ll be laughing when I see you on your weddingJ

*Golden Rule of Life No 4. All guys are jerks.

A day in the life of..….IT department

Disclaimer: All the characters and incidents described below are entirely true. Any resemblance to fiction whatsoever is a result of the author’s inadvertent plagiarism and the hyperactive imagination of her sources.

The bus shudders and heaves and disgorges another pile of sleepy and tired students, desperately clutching their headphones, momentarily happy to be out of the racing metal trap, onto the bridge. They traipse sadly off to the white building.

The first few groups of students have already started the daily routine of first stop bathroom-check hair-wash hands-next stop drinking water-exchange communal gossip-check out juniors-sigh-come back to class. This ritual would be repeated several times a day at periodic intervals.

The ladies arrive in droves and mill around the office room, checking out each others’ dresses, commenting on their hair and complimenting each others’ choice of bathroom slippers which they proudly show off.

The gents come as stags, sign and retreat quickly to their rooms to think of novel ways to harass the tea boy.

The ac in the professors’ rooms starts humming.

Final years are herded off to the seminar hall to begin the day’s illusion of education. Hostel boys arrive 10 minutes late and stare abashedly through the window pane. Hostel girls arrive an hour later.

The lecturers in the ground floor are in deep discussion. Is the girl in 3^rd year IT B going out with the tall boy in IT A or the curly-haired senior? They decide to counsel the offending girl on the principles of virtue. Is there any progress in the case of the boy they advised last week? Is he still hanging out with his girlfriend? Not good, they decide.

The lecturers in the first floor are arguing whose mother-in-law is the cruelest of all. A student walks in to enquire about her project. They ask her to come after half an hour.

A scream, not unlike the wail of a banshee, can be heard from the lab. The banshee in question is screeching at a hapless student “Enna dash ku da nee college ku vara? Chollu pa chollu….”

A sudden commotion can be heard from the centre of the department. A few students have been caught copying. The lecturers congregate. All of them have a take on what punishment should be given. All of them have a piece of advice to give. They all call the Innocent Girl aside to advice her on propriety. One watching assistant professor alone remains silent. “She alone has some sense in this crowd. No wonder she is AP”, Innocent Girl thinks. Later that AP would declare in the middle of an astonished (and sadistically happy) class, “You should not change your attitude for anyone. Including your husband,” all the while staring down Innocent Girl.

“Give me all your mobile phones. Come with your parents”, the lecturer who caught the students says.

“Ma’am please ma’am. Last time ma’am. I wont repeat this again ma’am”, one student begs.

“No need parents ma’am. Veetla prechanai aagum ma’am. Dad will kill me ma’am”, another student laments.

“Ma’am it wasn’t my fault ma’am”, another student protests.

“Ma’am mobile phone mattum thiripi kuduthidinga ma’am”, says another. True ITian.

A dark shadow slinks along the ground. It pauses in front of the lab. A few bags are opened and ransacked. The shadow sneaks away with its treasure of calculators, mobile phones and purses carelessly left behind.

Juniors run around with laptops looking very important. They stop suddenly, check the signal strength in their laptops, sigh contently and open facebook to check the status of their farms.

The department empties as a quarter of its population trickle out in the direction of the gate just in time to catch 119.

A few couples head off to the canteen. They stop suddenly on seeing the HOD. He gives a vacant smile, locks his room and meets his wife at the entrance and together they proceed, hand in hand, to the canteen.

A phone in the office room rings twice. R. anna cuts the call, silently walks out and opens the door of the Assistant Professor’s room he had previously latched. The AP smiles at him, his mid day 10-min power yoga session completed without any disturbance from pesky over-enthu students.

A lone junior girl walks into a class of curiously staring seniors to draw a flowchart.

Students mill around the lab attendant in the ac lab.

“Sir Sir please Sir!”

“Illa pa chance ae illa”

“Sir please”

“Seri solunga”

“Sir, copy onepassassembler.c from account 34 to accounts 26-33 and 35-45”

“Seri ma’am varuthuku munaadi area va gaali pannunga”

Assistant Professor in first floor is teaching a class of bored looking 3^rd years. Suddenly he launches forth into a profusion of practical advice. “Life in IT field is tough”, he nods knowingly, “You work your asses off for years and all of a sudden a 20 year old girl gets promoted over you and you have to bow down to her.” The class snickers. “None of you will ever get placed”, he yells. “I have told your seniors and I am telling you. The market is on a deathly downward spiral. You have no future. You will work as a waiter.” He stomps away. A few final years approach him with chocolates. “Sir we are placed in CTS”, they proclaim. “It must be luck”, he grabs the chocolates and walks away.

Mrs.P enters a class and promptly steps on a large blob of cake. She looks at the mess on the floor.

“Yenna pa ithu”

“Ma’am A ku poranthanaal”

“Clean pannunga pa”

“Ma’am A ku poranthanaal”

“Seri we’ll start with Random variables”

“Ma’am A ku poranthanaal”

“Athuku enna pa panna solreenga. Write down….”

The students chant, “A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A nee azhaga poranthitiye!”

“Silence”

“A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A unakku poranthanaal! A nee azhaga poranthitiye!”

“HOD kitta complain pannuven”

“A unakku poranthanaal!”

“I wont give attendance”

“A unakku poranthanaal!”

“I’ll send you all out”

“A unakku poranthanaal!”

“No internals”

“A nee azhaga poranthitiye!”

Mrs.P walks out sobbing.

A bored student is staring outside the window in the corner lab, pondering the meaning of life. There is a sudden exclamation of joy from behind. He takes this as a sign, walks over to roll no 23 and comes back to his workstation with a fully loaded pen drive. His friends look at him in sleepy awe. “Vaangtiya machan? Mail anupidu.”

Students come out in clusters. Some break off in the direction of the canteen. Some of them walk to the stores. One heads off to the department of Biomedical Engineering.

The lawn is lush and crowded. One group of 5 girls and 1 lone boy are discussing the day’s lab. Suddenly one of the girls breaks off in mid-conversation and cries out “Puppy! Oh cutie puppy!”

I wander tiredly back to my bus. “Why did I come to college?” I yell at the heavens. “What have I accomplished today with my time? What did I learn? What higher purpose can there be behind making me wake up every morning, bathe in freezing water, run behind the bus, sit through 8 periods of nonsense and go back home just to fall asleep again?” My friends look at me blandly. “Hey look”, my classmate points out a boy in the crowd excitedly, “You and JS are both in black! My! What a match!”

A smile lights up my face.

I am floating along, letting the current take me where it would. Every few minutes I remember I have to take control and I kick and I swirl and I create a maelstrom of confusion. Only to give up a few minutes later, tired and wet and extremely irritated and even more clueless than before.

Lost in the river, just one of millions of others, trying to conform and stand out at the same time. Wanting to be unique, just like everyone else.

Peering into the darkness, trying to give shape to vague, abstract emotions. In the midst of grey bursts of colors, I stand, trying to select one of many goods, none great.

Every once in a while, I get intoxicated by the power afforded to me, only to be brought rudely back to earth by chaos. Blinded by an illusion of control, I float on.

I rage against fate, I fight against the very notion of destiny. All the while, I long to be led by the hand. Life is easier when you have someone to dump the blame on.

YAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Officially done. Finished. Zip. Closed.:):):)

Reasons why life really sucks sometimes...

When you decide to oppose the flow, the first people you're forced to fight against are the people whom you love the most and the ones who love you the most and your supposed benefactors. 'Coz we live in a society which has such a desperate (yet unfounded) need to protect its own back, that, its members, including your supposed well-wishers, are concerned less about you being the best you can be than about you being so worse or so different from the rest that fingers get pointed at them in judgement.

That is for the 0.00001% of the society that really cares about you. The rest 99.99999% doesn't really give a shit one way or the other.