On the last few weeks. Dated Match 30th in this 11th year of the 21st century..

After the umpteenth time of starting to write a post and then deleting all of it, I make a solemn promise to myself to publish this post regardless of how crappy it is. Reader expectations be damned!

At first I thought I had run out of topics to write about. So I’d have this vague itch to write, but I wouldn’t know what or where to scratch. Then I realized it wasn’t that I had no topics to write about. I did. I do. I have lots of topics to write about. It’s just that I couldn’t sustain the interest to write about them long enough to write about them.

The only thing I can write about any number of times for any length of a period is my Cold. But that is against my new blog resolution to 'stop cribbing in blog'. Up there along with ‘stop treating blog like an emotional discharge stick’. And ‘stop changing blog template every time you have a mood swing’. So now you are stuck with my current template. And stuck with me. Trying to be sweet and cheerful. And we’ll see how that goes shall we?

I forgot what I wanted to say next.

Hmm…..

Usual updates about my life:

I have a cold. A bad one. It leaves me with a consistently irritated disposition. And constantly searching for and catching at my breath. Which I seem to have left somewhere in my bed along with my tangled up sheets.

My last quarter was nice. So was spring break. Which makes it all the more harder to face this quarter. 

Course selection returns to haunt me again. Every quarter, this is the part that gives me nightmares. I am convinced every course I take will change forever the future of my (seemingly nonexistent) career. I swear if this cold doesn’t kill me first, all the blood pressure from selecting courses will. I hope my mom doesn’t read this and get saddened by the fact that she has managed to raise a daughter who is singularly incapable of making even the simplest of decisions.

Coming to decisions, I have decided I suck at my choices of guys. And therefore I am going to leave the responsibility of choosing a life partner for me to the stylishly groomed hands of my mom. I am sure I will end up with a psychopath or a sadomasochist if I was left to make my own choices. *Shudder*

I realized just yesterday I have been spelling weird wrong for the past several years of my life. No wonder MS Office kept showing wiggly red lines under my wierd all this while. To a girl who prides herself on her English, that was a nice reality check.

Master Chef is starting to heat up. I am absolutely in love with Callum.

I have no idea why the fat tree architecture is able to save costs in data center topologies. I have been trying to make sense of it for the last 4 hours. But atleast it led on to this blog post. So it hasn’t been a complete failure in all.

On a positive note, I sat in an undergraduate introduction to communications class today. In all my years of engineering, I have never had communications taught to me the way it was today. Its times like these that make me fall in love with UCLA. When everything seems screwed up about Grad school, its moments like these that remind me why I’d still choose this over all else I could be doing right now.

I wonder why everyone is fighting with me. Oh well, their loss I suppose!

I need to call a lot of people. I need to tick off a lot of lists. I need to keep a lot of promises. Soon….. It shall be soon.

I was reading Arundhati Roy’s ‘God of small things’. It got me wondering about choices and consequences. 

About how you make one choice. And the cost of living climbs to unattainable heights. About the past and its ghosts and the albatrosses we love to drape around us.

I am relapsing to emotional discharging. Time to sleep.

Falling in friendship... all over again...

Have you ever had a friend you thought you'd lost to the past? Have you ever been to that point where  you could see the relationship beginning to stagnate and the only reason that you still held on was a respect for what you once shared and all the while wondered if it is time to let go and give in to the distance growing between you? And have you ever had one phone call erase all that, one evening wipe away the sourness, so you go back to being the girls you were 4 years ago, the girls who shared everything, the girls who'd talk so long that the shadows grow around them? Have you ever ended a conversation in frustration and doubted if you could ever relate to the person again, if you can talk and still read between the lines, if you can understand what is not being said as much as what is, like you used to, like before? And then a few days later, have another conversation make you forget that you even doubted?

Have you ever hesitated before revealing a truth, wondered how the other person would take it, a million potential wrongs feeding in your head, procreating doubts? Have you ever typed the same sentence a hundred different ways finally clicking 'send' before you could change your mind again? Have you ever feared the reply only to be surprised by simple acceptance, plain understanding?

Have you ever woken up to a mail continuing a chatter you'd thought had ended? Have you ever stayed up at nights rediscovering people you'd thought you'd known, in a good way, like finding hidden candy in lunchboxes?

Have you ever had a person you'd all but forgotten about, a person you'd relegated to facebook contact, a person whose name only comes up when your phone reminds you of an upcoming birthday? And have one chance meeting reopen a door, so you start where you'd left off, like all the years in between had never happened, and all those reasons you'd told yourself for the friendship ending never mattered? Have you ever walked into a house of your memory, walked smiling as you saw what had changed and what hadnt and pleased with yourself to still remember those little things noone else  knew, walked in and to be greeted like you'd never left?

Have you ever seen change happen, seen it, felt it and hated it, and not understanding it, walked away from it? Have you ever convinced yourself you've moved on from it, except for those few times when there was no one and nothing to distract you and protect you from yourself, when those questions you thought you'd answered would rise again and make you wonder if you could have done anything differently, and wonder if you were to blame or he or time? Have you ever packed away people like dolls, in boxes to be placed in attics? And move to a new future, to a new country, only to find them old friends and those old relationships for which distance was never a problem, nor time? And stumble upon the paradox of space and how it can bind as well as separate?  Have you ever written away a relationship, only for it to come bursting back in to your life, or creeping in slowly until a day when you look up and find the space that was, occupied again?

Have you ever fallen in friendship, lost it, found it and fallen in it all over again?

The storm rumbles closer

This ain't no place for the weary kind....

Time goes so fast, so unforgivingly fast. Its like you’re whirling round and round and you know you have to stop soon but you also know your head will spin when you do stop and so you’re trying to put off the moment but eternity will not wait. Every moment when the phone rings, I anticipate pain and breathe a sigh of relief when it doesn’t come and then hate myself for it later. Everybody I love wants to help me live my life. It humbles me and gives me happiness for a while, happiness that they would want to and would try. But they cant, can they?

Your lovers wont kiss....

It's too damn far from your fingertips.

The only promise is that someday I would read this and laugh and laugh that this was where i was when i started and feel happy that i have come thus far. For that promise, we all live.

This ain't no place for the weary kind...