No, I am not drunk.

There was a time when i had my relationships all figured out, my friends all classified and categorized into neat little boxes: ‘Best friends’, ‘Good friends’, ‘OK-ish friends’, ‘friends to suthify with’, ‘friends you call up’, ‘friends you message’.... it was a world with well-defined boundaries, well-recognized rules. Sometimes people would surprise me and consequently be promoted or demoted to the appropriate level. I miss that rigid world.

Now my world is fluid with relationships that shift and change in moments. People walk in from the periphery of my life and lay claim to it. People whom i considered to be the core of my life walk away or simply fade into obscure mists. Relationships, i can no longer categorize or define with boundaries or set down rules of exchange. And i, who have never been able to shut up, find myself at a loss for words to describe what i share with the people in my life. How do you explain something to somebody that you do not understand yourself? I start sentences that i cannot end. I stare vacantly at people who were once ‘Level 1-Best friends’ and wonder what changed. Some, i have lost to meaningless fights. Some, i have lost to lethargy, a listlessness that we allowed to let grow in our relationship and now we are too far apart with too many spaces between us that the only thing binding us together is a respect for the past, the time whence we walked the same path and looked at life with the same perceptions. And some have changed so completely that you no longer know whether it is they who have changed or whether it was you who’d judged them wrong the whole while, trying to fit them to an image in your head. Others, who wouldn’t have made the ‘friends you call up’ grade a few years back are now some of the people i cannot go a day without talking. One, whom i considered my natural sworn rival 4 years back (for liking the same guy), i talk to everyday and make giddy plans for the future with. And then there are the others. The ones who have always been there. The constants, who despite a few tumults and distractions and angry words and periods of cold accusing silences, have stuck. It is to those few that i dedicate this blog. To the ones who, even if they do not understand, listen to what i wish to say; the ones who, even if i can no longer relate to, i can always talk to (talk as in hold a conversation with as opposed to mindless empty chatter that mean nothing or endless reminiscences of the past); the ones you can laugh with over a drink at interviews and boyfriends and dumb vijay moviesJ

It has been a season of goodbyes, when my memories are reduced to snapshots- a group of 4 girls standing under the neon lights of Southern Residency watching as i walk to the bus, Rd standing outside a train beaming like an idiot, Mani sitting in a hotel explaining (his theory of) why coffee should not be taken together with breakfast, Anpu leaning in her balcony waving goodbye, a wierd call in the middle of the day saying ‘i love you’-snapshots that play an endless montage inside my head set to sappy friendship songs. A season of promises. A season of not knowing what to feel, too scared to hug and say the usual “goodbye, all the best, take care” combo because it sounds so final. A season of watching friends leave and counting down the ones still left and the days until you have to leave too. A season too sparkling with the possibilities of the future to regret or wish for the past. And a season that doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon. So till then, heres to more sad FB statuses and early morning trips to railway stations and listening to people crib about bad food and internet restrictions and training assignments. Hic!

P.S. May God bless TCS and the few other companies and universities who have delayed their joining dates to allow me the pleasure of the little company i have left. Amen.

How to write a romance novel

The following is a summary of any given Mills & Boon or Silhouette novel.

Note to Readers: Please do not be misled into thinking that this makes me an authority on Mills & Boon or that I am a big fan of their romances. My encounters with M&B were entirely for educational purposes only, as to the uninitiated teenage girl, they often serve as a huge repository of information on....er positions and a few other logistics and technicalities. In fact, I remember having clandestine group M&B reading sessions when I was in my 8^th std but I digress. So for any doubts and references, please contact Rd;)

Rich (possibly heir of a few millions), hot, handsome, tall, playboy hero meets poor (a little), beautiful, gutsy but naive heroine who probably has lost her entire family to a car crash and has to live with evil step-mom/miserly aunt/ kind grandma. They have a flashy first meeting, exchange a few barbs and discover they like exchanging barbs. Heroine thinks hero is conceited. Hero thinks heroine has pluck and is instantaneously attracted to her and her innocence. They argue and they argue and in the midst of it, discover they like each others’ company. Hero seduces heroine but convinces himself he is not in love with heroine. Heroine puts up a brave (though flimsy) front but ultimately gives in to her (latent) feelings and hero’s seductions. But when confronted with the reality of the power of their love, both lose their nerve. Heroine does not want to be the first to announce that she is in love because she thinks the hero is only stringing her along and has no feelings for her. Hero does not want to be the first to tell his love because he is macho and then the story would end early and the author would not get a chance to display the actual sweet, sensitive, mushy core of the tough hero in the final climax. Enter evil, rich, sexy (as opposed to sweet heroine) girlfriend (ex) of the hero. Girlfriend becomes jealous of heroine, realizes she is losing her throne to a Cinderella and decides to do away with her. Girlfriend meets heroine in private and tells her how hero is just using heroine for sex and how his status will be affected if he is seen along with heroine. Heroine convinces herself that her sacrifice is for the good of her love and leaves country. And oh yeah, she manages to stand up to her evil step-mom/ miserly aunt too and finally take control of her life. After heroine runs away, hero realizes how truly he is in love with her but believing the story told by jealous girlfriend, thinks heroine never really loved him and decides to let her go. But after a suitable moping period (usually 3 months), the kind butler reveals to the hero that all is not as it seems. Hero, after kicking jealous girlfriend and her social climbing mother out of the house, uses his vast resources to track down the heroine. They meet and after a touching reunion where both of them confess their love for each other, share true love’s kiss and live happily ever after.

Insert a few matter scenes here and there and a few corny dialogs like “You are my world now”, “My love, my life!” and you are set to write your own romance novel. Whats more, you might even manage to canoodle a few jobless gooses like Rd into buying your books. Happy writing! :)

Twilight, Conversations and Realizations

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday and she was explaining to me why she did not like twilight.

“It ended too happily” said she. “Bella got everything she wanted-she got converted, a husband, a child, a family, a friend. Everything. It was too much. Meyer should have killed someone in the end, just to make it sound real. And made the ending more ambiguous.”

And instead of calling her a sadist, i actually agreed with her.

I don’t when exactly it happened, but sometime in the last four years I turned Cynical. Cynical to the point that in a story of vampires and werewolves, the only point that offended my (or I should say our) sense of reality was that everyone lived happily ever after as one big family.

I scoff at fairy tales, at driving into the sunset, at happily-ever-afters. As my friend pointed out, happily-ever-afters are boring. And unreal. I have come to point where I wouldn’t trust a happily-ever-after if it slapped me in the face. Unless there is a story of compromises behind it. I am not so far gone that i look for the catch in every situation or search for complications where none exist (as opposed to what some people think of me). And i am definitely more optimistic than most of my friends put together. But i no longer am the idealist dreamer I used to be. No longer believe that I can play solos like Slash. Or that World Peace can be achieved by a touching dialog in a Mani Ratnam movie set to A.R.Rahman’s background score. Or in guys who are smart AND strong AND sensitive AND open car doors for you. It’s not that i don’t want the aforementioned scenarios to happen. It's just that i cant believe they would be handed out on a platter like hot dogs in a ball game. As my friend said, easy victories are boring. There must be challenges. And problems we can laugh about later over a cup of coffee together. And for once, I agree with her.

Reasons why life really sucks sometimes...part 3

Some people have never heard of Guns And Roses let alone heard them. And there are people who think November Rain is not the best song of all time!

Obituary: Black Spotted One and Yellow Streaked One

May your soul rest in peace and may you find eternal bliss swimming in the golden straits of heaven, free from all natural predators and furthermore free from pesky humans from beyond the looking glass. May you find abundant food and eat to your heart’s content without having to die from it. You will be forever in our hearts and blog. Your absence will be greatly felt.

Bereaved Anantharamakrishnan family members and guilty friend.

P.S: The above is an obituary (as you would have noticed) for the two fish of the author’s friend that the author killed by feeding them extra food (apparently fishes cannot stand more than their recommended daily dietary intake) in order to make them do something, anything more exciting than just aimless swimming around and bumping into the glass. The author would like to remind complainant that she meant no harm and was just trying to alleviate the heavy boredom that had settled on her while she was waiting for said complainant to get dressed. Besides, the greedy fish should have had better sense than to eat till they’re dead. You’d have thought they’d hesitate to think a little atleast when it’s a matter of life and death. But no! They had to whiz around so excitedly at the food pellets that the author felt compelled to feed them more. Sheesh! Fish!

P.P.S: I am so sorry Mr.Anantharamakrishnan. I didn’t know they’d dieL. I didn’t mean to murder them, I swear. *sniff sniff*

Long Due....But more shall come

I give in. This one’s for the nostalgia. The last one week i’m being bombarded by senti FB statuses and sad smiley msgs from all directions. And I managed (mostly) to remain resolutely cynical. But today got me thinking and i decided to compile a list of the things about college I’d remember the most. I know there are loadsa more incidents that i’ve failed to mention and several more that I’ve forgotten all about (as my friend’s slam books remind me every time) and other embarrassing ones that i’ve conveniently repressed but these I believe will come with me to the end.

My 21^st birthday cum advanced new year cum temporary-farewell-for-anjana-and-maya party:

Due to the public availability of this post and due to peer pressure and due to anjana, maya and niru promising to kill me if i post any finer details regarding this incident, I shall refrain from doing so. But after a very very long time, I felt truly excited. My actual birthday, to say the least, was a mess. Unfortunately stupid CTS decided to hold his campus placements in our college the day after my birthday. As a result, most of my friends were too busy preparing. A well meaning friend actually tried to convince me to stay over at her place to teach me 4 years worth of Information Technology. But I didn’t want to remember my 21^st birthday as the birthday I learnt IT, so.... And so the beat part of my birthday was spent sitting at home, staring at my Fb wall and refreshing it every few seconds. Sure i had a great lunch with my mom and sis at the Adyar Park (courtesy of some vouchers my mom had) and sure I got some totally cool gifts from my friends but anyway.....

So getting back, my actual birthday was a very ok-ish one. But this.....this was what a 21^st bday was supposed to be about. Loadsa firsts. Loadsa comedies trying out the firsts. Loadsa frowning on anjana’s part. Loadsa phone calling on her mom’s part. An ultimate suprise that the idiots actually managed to maintain as a suprise (History with a capital H)-cutting cake in the middle of the road with the Raintree parking attendants looking on weirdly, driving back close to midnight on a Scooty on reserve, praying praying praying it wont stop midway, catcalls in the petrol bunk......*sigh* Total hoot!

Sitting under the tree near the dustbin at stores and discussing ‘Vine of desire’:

Anpu, Rd and I- the feministic trio of our class. Or atleast the more vocal trio of the feminists of our class. And also I would like to believe the better read trio of our class. Throughout these four years, through all the fights we’ve had and through all the silent treatments, despite it and maybe because of it, we’ve always shared books. One book that totally blew us off our feet was Vine of Desire. I remember me closing the book midway ‘coz i got a headache from all the emotions it made me feel. I remember Anpu messaging me to say she was scared of what the book was making her feel. I remember Rd sending me an almost replica of the same message a few days later. Sitting under the tree discussing marriage and love and betrayal and Rd’s expectations in a guy and laughing and laughing over it and walking to close to conduct interviews of all my classmates about what they look for in a guy and then writing a crazy blog about it months later when I come across my interview notes by accident..... Not something I’d forget easy.

Lotsa other conversations would come close. Like the time, the three of us sat together in System Software or some other forgettable class and started talking about whom we would save if a hypothetical anthrax warhead went off in the boys side of the class. Which led to whom we would save if one went off in the girls side of the class. And then in the event that one went off in a Staff meeting. Then came the other department students. Which led to the realization that the people whom we like and whom we considered worth saving in the entire college wouldn’t fill a College Bus. Sad but not reallyJ

April Fools day 2010:

Thanks to my project guide who hardballed me into staying late into the evening for Documentation purposes, i had to return home by ptc all alone. Which led me to play the most successful pranks of my entire life on a few unsuspecting souls. And the ironical part is the prank wasnt even my original idea. It was one I’d fallen for earlier in the evening and decided to try it out on my friends. Man did they fall hook, line and sinker. I thought I’d definitely lose it when Anjana called to confirm but boy am i a great liar! Sometimes I think I went too far, but it wasn’t my fault some people forgot and continue to forget what I’ve mentioned to them loadsa times. And i just had way too much fun. So long suckers!:)

Kathipara-post some Benny Dayal and Krish concert -10.30 in the night -80 kmph-Anjana screaming behind me:

I remember this every time i climb Kathipara. Hopefully I will for the rest of my life.

IPT:

Story in short: I got stuck at an in-plant training at my mom’s office (so guess what, i cant even bunk) with two idiot love birds who were resolutely trying to pretend they were just friends. And i was the proverbial extra limb. Gave an all new meaning to “three is a crowd”. I can still remember Mani throwing I-swear-just-born-babies-would-lose innocent looks when I (like the clueless klutz that I am) tried to tease him. And reading Michael Crichton’s Airframe all alone in a corner while the other two played Chess (Yes brilliant idea you two! Bring a game that can only be played by two when there are exactly three in the group). And waiting all alone in the lobby while the other two would saunter in laughing together (they both came by train, albeit different trains still trains, so they would wait for each other in the station and then come together). Not to mention the friend’s wedding I went to where for the first time in my life I felt like a tag-along. And to top it all, convincing the rest of the suspicious class that they were just friends and that I would KNOW if they werent. To all the friends of couples, I take a bow. And remember the golden rule- If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck....

Canteen:

Nuff said.

Suby:

It was 3^rd year and my friends and I were in Kurukshetra. I was tired but Asmi forced me to participate in K-Idol saying we have to participate in everything and get value for coming all that way. So despite my better notions I gave in and filled out their written test, wrote an essay on why Indian Engineering Education sucks and came out. I remember checking my phone to find 7 new messages and 21 missed calls, i remember thinking that if there were so many people trying to contact me, either a)results are out or b)somethings terribly wrong or c)all of the above. I remember noticing that all the calls were from my school friends and deciding that I’d better get out of there fast. And I remember Maya telling me Suby’s had an accident and that he’s gone and just sitting on the platform outside the Management Hall and just staring at my phone. And Srivi crying and crying and crying on the phone. And me calmly walking out and running into a few more school friends in the canteen who were calmly discussing the accident amidst arguments over what juice to order (looking back now, I guess we were all still in shock but it sounded callous to me then and still does a little now). Ironically I got selected to the next round of K-Idol and the next and had to speak on stage. And all the while I kept thinking Suby’s dead and I didn’t pick his last few calls, Suby’s dead and I ignored him, Suby’s dead and I’m on stage. It took me days before I could drive without saying a prayer first, a week before the shock wore off and I burst out crying in the middle of the class. The night Suby died, I went home and ended a fight that had been going on for months with one of my friends. But I haven’t changed. If i meet another Suby in my life I’d still ignore his last few calls and I’d still beat myself up over it when its too late.

568 C rules 4eva!:

Must also include 570 C and 119. Some of the best conversations I’ve ever had in my life were here. I guess half the revenue the 2 AC buses earned must have come out Arthy’s, Deepi’s and my pockets. Endless gossip sessions in the last row, yakking yakking yakking for hours, trying to get into Arthy’s head that she’d be better off without a few people in her life, trying not to stare too obviously at the couples coochi-cooing in the seat next to us, making up far-fetched plans and dropping them....

Also, another conversation I’d never forget was with Rd on a bus from Tambaram, discussing each others’ families, dissecting each others’ homes. It was the first time I’ve spoken to anyone about my family. I don’t think I’d forget that conversation for a long time to come.

GRE:

An exam I had super fun at and which totally skyrocketed me to celebrity status. An entire sem I spent advising long-forgotten friends and fielding questions from sons of colleagues of aunts about how to tackle the GRE (like I knew Shit! Again...so long suckers). I guess more people called me to ask about GRE than all the people on all my birthdays combined. And after GRE came TOEFL. For a few months of my life, I was so sure my life was made. And then I started applying and it was back to the dumpsJ Oh well! I had my sun-timeJ

3^rd Year tour:

Dancing. Mock Interviews. A photo session at the top of a hill looking all sweaty and tired but looking like we’d just planted the Indian flag on Kiilman-fucking-jaro. Antakshari. Tug-of-war. Cheerleading for tug-of-war. The few (of course) fights and arguments. Perfect!

Farewell:

Loved it. Almost every bit of it. Just for the memories. The dancing and the photos and the (wierd) hairstyles and the ac breaking down and all the senti crying and the ride back in the car full of righteous anger and heaven’s wrath and all the comedies that followed the next few days restoring peace. Let me just say....Great entertainment. You made my last week at SSN Entertaining and Eventful with a capital E.

Lazy afternoons in the 'Secret Room':

Secret no more, I must say I was the one who discovered it. Aah...the number of movies we have spent watching there, the number of times we escaped to its relative privacy, the number of plans made, the time we ‘saved’ a newly-hatched sparrow and guided it in the path to freedom only to watch it get eaten up by a crow just when we were congratulating ourselves. Somethings are better not messed with.

Instincts:

The best for the last. For a long time, college was a place i tolerated between Instincts. It was a phenomenon. From the first to the last. All the memories: sneaking peanuts meant for the chief guests we were supposed to serve as part of our Hospitality volunteering work, endless sponsor hunting, sitting at Maddy’s feet like a sycophantic puppy (I swear i went into the light right then and there), learning to play Counter Strike from the pros in the days leading up to @nd year Instincts (Arathi and I kept dying within seconds until some poor guy who loved the game too much to watch us play it so horribly, took pity on us and showed us how to move forward and how to actually use our guns. We managed to survive for a whole 2 minutes after that :D), the 5 course lunches (biriyani all 5 courses. Advantages of being the youngest girls around and having doting seniors), the midnight kalaais and osi pepsis for which I still get ragged to death, showing my school friends what a cool college I had (walking with Hema, Sugi and Ramya acrossthe ground and being so sure that we’d be friends forever, jumping from chair to chair with Deepak trying to catch a glimpse of the dancers on stage during choreo night, arguing about the merits and demerits of Ragging with Dash while walking from one venue to the next). I met some of my best friends through Instincts and it is something I will forever be grateful for.

And so it all comes to an end. The fun. The laughter. The fights. The praying fervently after every semester. Hell, I’ll even miss Anna University (where else in the world can you get a degree with just black pen, blue pen and double underlining?? J). And God forbid I even miss my project guide. To all the memories I’ve forgotten and the people I’ve missed out, watch out for part 2!

Reasons why life really sucks sometimes...part 2

You never get what you wanted to get or you get what you wanted but didn’t realize that was what you wanted or you get what you wanted and realized you wanted but didn’t think that it would be what it is when you actually got it. Or you get what you wanted at a time and place you didn’t want it. Or you get what you wanted along with what you didn’t want and wish getting what you wanted didn’t entail getting what you didn’t want. Ultimately getting what you wanted sometimes makes you want to never have wanted it in the first place.

Maybe never getting what you wanted is better than that. Marginally.