Sometimes you get lost wandering. And you find yourself in a part of your universe you've never seen before, in an alternate reality where things that mattered so much before drop away and things you'd kept buried come alive again and you no longer seem to be the strict definition of yourself you'd come to terms with and you need to do the coming to terms with all over again.
That's where I've been. Busy. Bored. Dealing with a lifestyle change and all its accouterments. Fighting an idle mind playing truant. Filling gaps in the day with a thousand activities. Endless lazing about and discovering a new place and missing an old one. And talking and talking. New roommates. Old friends. Still the same old friends. Thinking random thoughts.
For people who want an update: I am learning to play the keyboard. I'd forgotten a lot of music theory I used to know from my guitar days and its an interesting experience trying to read two clefs at the same time and play them simultaneously nonetheless. I am learning French. I am reading Feynman's lectures in my free time. I am eating salads for lunch and doing jazzercise occasionally. I've lost the taste for alcohol. I volunteer to be the designated driver on most nights coz I know I wont drink much anyway. I still fondly remember nights of rambunctious revelry that have involved everything from dancing on and correspondingly falling off chairs to ending up on street pavements unable to move an eyelid. But now that I'm on the other side more often than not, trying to figure out how to move the person on the street pavement, I no longer find it all so very amusing. I am doing a project 52, though its not going very well on account of my laziness. But on the days I click pics, I end up taking so many that I tell myself makes up for the weeks I don't. I have become extremely cynical of relationships and distrustful of men. Every time somebody I know gets married, I think of the ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, all the old crushes and secret romances. And I wonder what those people think about. Every time I move, I think of how easy it is to transplant a life now- everything you own and everything you are in a couple of boxes in a car. Sometimes I think about how easy it would be to disappear now- if I tell my parents I don't want to be found and just up and leave to a new city, informing no one. I used to be the person who loved grand farewells. Suddenly I am seeing the beauty of just fading away in an air of intrigue. The romance in constrained choices. The curiosity in things that never used to define me. I am making friends with people I knew from what feels like a really long time ago, on account of my roommate who is herself one such 'person from another lifetime'. I have a thousand things I want to do, a million thoughts bursting in my head and no mood to think or act. So I lie in my couch and watch the clouds go by outside my balcony. Life is dreamy.
It's tough trying to explain this to people who are tremendously mad at me for seemingly dropping off the face of the Earth. Its like suddenly I got bored of being the usual "It's been so long, lets talk" me and ran out of energy sustaining being myself. I could say I would try and be more like how I used to be and call everyone and mail everyone and blog a lot but I don't want to make no promises I might not keep.
Sometimes it is easy to forget what the point of starting this blog was- that there is no point at all. Back when everything I did had a purpose and every unit of energy spent was carefully measured and doled out, this was something I cherished- me time. Now that hardly anything in my life has a purpose, maintaining a blog feels like so much effort. But its still fun going back and reading your old posts, if only a little painful at the naivete of it all. I am even braving reading extremely sad posts from a long time ago that I try to never open because it reminds me of a time I don't like to be reminded of because of the stupidity and the pain I unleashed on myself through bad decisions. I am actually even listening to 'Stairway in Heaven' again, this time without the feeling of being overwhelmed by it.
I am back to this blog in the spirit of this week which has been all about paying homage to the past for me. i went back to LA for the weekend just 'coz I missed her so very much. I braved Carmageddon II to go to Santa Monica pier and stood amidst all the lights thinking about how very much I missed being in this city and how very much I would like to go back and grow old there. Its funny, the things I can commit to and the things I cant. But for now, I'm focusing on committing to keeping this blog alive if only so I can come back here 10 years later and laugh at my own petty self.
<3 p="p">Divya
P.S. May, I got your mail and I keep meaning to reply but like I said, I've gone crazy lazy. Tell me if you still want the stuff you were asking about.
That's where I've been. Busy. Bored. Dealing with a lifestyle change and all its accouterments. Fighting an idle mind playing truant. Filling gaps in the day with a thousand activities. Endless lazing about and discovering a new place and missing an old one. And talking and talking. New roommates. Old friends. Still the same old friends. Thinking random thoughts.
For people who want an update: I am learning to play the keyboard. I'd forgotten a lot of music theory I used to know from my guitar days and its an interesting experience trying to read two clefs at the same time and play them simultaneously nonetheless. I am learning French. I am reading Feynman's lectures in my free time. I am eating salads for lunch and doing jazzercise occasionally. I've lost the taste for alcohol. I volunteer to be the designated driver on most nights coz I know I wont drink much anyway. I still fondly remember nights of rambunctious revelry that have involved everything from dancing on and correspondingly falling off chairs to ending up on street pavements unable to move an eyelid. But now that I'm on the other side more often than not, trying to figure out how to move the person on the street pavement, I no longer find it all so very amusing. I am doing a project 52, though its not going very well on account of my laziness. But on the days I click pics, I end up taking so many that I tell myself makes up for the weeks I don't. I have become extremely cynical of relationships and distrustful of men. Every time somebody I know gets married, I think of the ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, all the old crushes and secret romances. And I wonder what those people think about. Every time I move, I think of how easy it is to transplant a life now- everything you own and everything you are in a couple of boxes in a car. Sometimes I think about how easy it would be to disappear now- if I tell my parents I don't want to be found and just up and leave to a new city, informing no one. I used to be the person who loved grand farewells. Suddenly I am seeing the beauty of just fading away in an air of intrigue. The romance in constrained choices. The curiosity in things that never used to define me. I am making friends with people I knew from what feels like a really long time ago, on account of my roommate who is herself one such 'person from another lifetime'. I have a thousand things I want to do, a million thoughts bursting in my head and no mood to think or act. So I lie in my couch and watch the clouds go by outside my balcony. Life is dreamy.
Sometimes it is easy to forget what the point of starting this blog was- that there is no point at all. Back when everything I did had a purpose and every unit of energy spent was carefully measured and doled out, this was something I cherished- me time. Now that hardly anything in my life has a purpose, maintaining a blog feels like so much effort. But its still fun going back and reading your old posts, if only a little painful at the naivete of it all. I am even braving reading extremely sad posts from a long time ago that I try to never open because it reminds me of a time I don't like to be reminded of because of the stupidity and the pain I unleashed on myself through bad decisions. I am actually even listening to 'Stairway in Heaven' again, this time without the feeling of being overwhelmed by it.
I am back to this blog in the spirit of this week which has been all about paying homage to the past for me. i went back to LA for the weekend just 'coz I missed her so very much. I braved Carmageddon II to go to Santa Monica pier and stood amidst all the lights thinking about how very much I missed being in this city and how very much I would like to go back and grow old there. Its funny, the things I can commit to and the things I cant. But for now, I'm focusing on committing to keeping this blog alive if only so I can come back here 10 years later and laugh at my own petty self.
<3 p="p">Divya
P.S. May, I got your mail and I keep meaning to reply but like I said, I've gone crazy lazy. Tell me if you still want the stuff you were asking about.
1 comment:
Forget it sd..The way you have put it here,in the faith that i will read your blog speaks volumes.
I want to keep in touch with you much more than anything else i asked for. Pls do mail ! and write more. Blogging keeps us sane :)
sindhuja
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